"On my nightstand makes it too easy for someone to disarm me." Because they're all paranoid like that. He tries very hard to be less paranoid and tell himself that someone won't anticipate an agent like himself having weapons hidden away.

"I am working up towards putting it under the bed where I had it before." Not under the mattress or in a drawer but under the bed in easy reach. The pillow feels better for now. Hopefully for now. "I'm aware but trying very hard to live a somewhat normal life like I haven't stared down gods and monsters."