It's an awful pain, full-bodied, soul-searing. He hadn't seen Frank in any of the immediate aftermath, because Frank was supposed to be dead, and it was only after a lot of shit happened that he found out the opposite, right up until Frank showed up on his doorstep and got a punch and a hug in that order. The family went to the funeral. Lisa and Lila were the same age. They would've been the same age. Frankie could've been a big brother. They're all gone. How are all of them gone? Five kids and two amazing women?
So when Frank says he knows, he knows Frank knows. He hates every single moment of this, as he grips Nat's hand so tight he thinks it's probably gonna bruise, and she takes it without a hint of complaint because she can, as he buries his face against Frank's shoulder to hide the shame and the pain and the empty fucking pit inside him.
Nate's not even three. His birthday's next month. A beautiful summer baby. Frank would've been invited, and this time absolutely not allowed to play Baby Shark, banned, and he would've done it anyway just to be annoying. What takes a baby away like that? Lila had an arrow in hand. Cooper, Cooper's the first born and will always be his baby boy. Laura's an amazing rock. Who's going to upkeep the tractor? Tony promised/threatened to turn that thing hi-tech and she had suggested over her dead body, just needs a tune up now and then like any vehicle. Is it just going to rust in the barn? Is everything going to rust? Every nail in that house he put there himself, every board of every addition when he hands can't keep still and his mind could always see the bigger picture, are they going to age and mold and warp? All the food will rot. The lights, the gas, the water, that'll all get shut off. How many homes have suddenly become abandoned in the blink of an eye? He turned his head. That's all it took.
All it took was a snap of the fingers for everyone to lose. Karen's gone. Is Tony gone? Is the Spider-kiddo? Sam? Bucky? Wanda? Vision? Is Yelena still out there, somewhere? He'd never met her, only heard the stories, and now maybe he'll never get the chance.
It's all gone. They're all gone, and sure, sure, yeah, there's a desperate little part of him that hopes with some regrouping and focus, they can find a way to undo all this. But he knows. He has to know. That they also might all just be gone for good.
His own heart is so loud in his ears that it's hard to hear the quiet that starts to come down like a blanket when he bleeds it out everywhere hard enough that he becomes empty, everything inside gouged out. His breathing still comes ragged, little gasps and starts. But the horrible wailing dies down, throat raw with the pain of it all, and the tears just stop coming.
Kind of wants to puke up Frank's meal just to completely empty himself out. But the absurd thought about how rude that would be floats up to the top of his mind. He just wants to sleep. Or rather, just wants to be unconscious and pretend none of this happened for a few days. Just a couple days. Let the world try to keep turning without him for a while.
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So when Frank says he knows, he knows Frank knows. He hates every single moment of this, as he grips Nat's hand so tight he thinks it's probably gonna bruise, and she takes it without a hint of complaint because she can, as he buries his face against Frank's shoulder to hide the shame and the pain and the empty fucking pit inside him.
Nate's not even three. His birthday's next month. A beautiful summer baby. Frank would've been invited, and this time absolutely not allowed to play Baby Shark, banned, and he would've done it anyway just to be annoying. What takes a baby away like that? Lila had an arrow in hand. Cooper, Cooper's the first born and will always be his baby boy. Laura's an amazing rock. Who's going to upkeep the tractor? Tony promised/threatened to turn that thing hi-tech and she had suggested over her dead body, just needs a tune up now and then like any vehicle. Is it just going to rust in the barn? Is everything going to rust? Every nail in that house he put there himself, every board of every addition when he hands can't keep still and his mind could always see the bigger picture, are they going to age and mold and warp? All the food will rot. The lights, the gas, the water, that'll all get shut off. How many homes have suddenly become abandoned in the blink of an eye? He turned his head. That's all it took.
All it took was a snap of the fingers for everyone to lose. Karen's gone. Is Tony gone? Is the Spider-kiddo? Sam? Bucky? Wanda? Vision? Is Yelena still out there, somewhere? He'd never met her, only heard the stories, and now maybe he'll never get the chance.
It's all gone. They're all gone, and sure, sure, yeah, there's a desperate little part of him that hopes with some regrouping and focus, they can find a way to undo all this. But he knows. He has to know. That they also might all just be gone for good.
His own heart is so loud in his ears that it's hard to hear the quiet that starts to come down like a blanket when he bleeds it out everywhere hard enough that he becomes empty, everything inside gouged out. His breathing still comes ragged, little gasps and starts. But the horrible wailing dies down, throat raw with the pain of it all, and the tears just stop coming.
Kind of wants to puke up Frank's meal just to completely empty himself out. But the absurd thought about how rude that would be floats up to the top of his mind. He just wants to sleep. Or rather, just wants to be unconscious and pretend none of this happened for a few days. Just a couple days. Let the world try to keep turning without him for a while.