brandingproblem | open post

"I flirt." That is maybe not the thing he should focus on, but he's going to push back where he can. "Sorry if it's not to the same rapturous degree you're used to, but I've flirted with you since coming back into your life. Maybe, oh, I don't fucking know, maybe you were supposed to think that I'm scared and angry and tired after being a puppet on strings and then having everything inside my head get turned inside out by people I've worked alongside for a god damn decade."

He could probably turn this back on Phil if he really wanted to. Didn't reach out. Didn't push any of the issues. But that's petty, and it's cruel, and Clint's not interested in blaming anyone but himself for his own shortcomings. Doesn't, apparently, make him not angry at some of the blame he is getting.

"Maybe I just didn't want to tell you some of the shit going on inside my skull because I'm gonna sound like an insane person who needs thrown from duty and put in a loony bin. Maybe after having my body taken from me, I feel like a fucking stranger in my own skin, and maybe I'm starting to finally scrape the surface of the idea of people touching me not having anything to do with him with someone that maybe I won't chase off this time, but who knows! Maybe this therapist will find my situation too difficult, and maybe my boyfriend who I adore and give a shit about and have been with and have been helping with his needs and trying to make sure he's healing and taken care of is also gonna decide I'm too difficult now!"

He slams a hand down on the table, and that does spill some wine over the lips of glasses. "Damn it, Coulson, for this supposedly being true love, you sure don't have any fucking faith in me for anything, huh?"

In a strange way Clint's anger is also a relief. It's something when Clint has been so careful around him. It washes over him, hot, familiar, and clearly only directed at Clint himself as he usually does. It's the most passionate he's seen Clint in what feels like weeks and that's so damn reassuring he feels a little guilty. He shouldn't be relieved to see Clint like this.

"You're not insane," he says first before he's never been good at listening to Clint talk down about himself.

"And it's not a lack of faith, it's fear." Phil doesn't like to admit that. He doesn't like to admit any weakness and that is certainly one. "I'm afraid that once I don't need your help because I'm fully healed you'll disappear again. Not because I've told you to but because you've decided for yourself you're too difficult and you want to spare me the trouble."

The red wine is soaking into the table but Phil's ignoring it. His eyes never leave Clint's. "Because usually, once you think you're doing the right thing you stick to it. Rarely can anyone talk you out of it. And I'm fairly certain even if you love me you would disappear from my life if you thought it would protect me. I have faith that to save me you would do just about anything. I just got you back and I'm scared I'll lose you again but this time it'll be your choice."

Finally, finally Clint makes to sit back down, heavy, practically collapsing. He still feels hot and steaming from his anger, but Phil reading him for filth is starting to release that pressure.

"I think I'm gonna hurt you, but I haven't disappeared yet. That 'yet' really bothers you, doesn't it."

"It does," he admits with a small sigh. "I know what it's like to lose you and I'd rather not experience that again."

Especially so soon after he got Clint back, even though he's broken and damaged from what Loki did. Phil still wants to be there for him it's just hard when he feels like Clint has one foot out the door.

"I'm trying to balance what you need and what I need so we don't break each other even more."

"I think," he says slowly, trying to wind himself back down, "we have different definitions of trying, and we should rectify that. I feel like--I thought I've been trying, but apparently not in the ways you need or want. And...I know I'm not great at this. I'm a far cry from perfect. We also probably need to adjust our boundaries."

Talking things out calmly and rationally is not always Clint's strong point. But Phil coaxes it out of him, a necessity. He takes a breath and lays his hand out on the table palm up. An offer. To make contact.

"I miss sex. And kissing you. And holding you and being held by you. Putting my head in your lap while you play with my hair and we watch tv? I want that back. It's gonna take time. I don't know how much. I can't--I need you to hear me on this, it's not won't, it's not don't want to, it's I can't give that to you or take it from you right now. I've been working on myself. And I know it probably...doesn't seem like it, but it's a lot of shit in my head, and obviously working on the stuff that kept me from my job was the pressing matter. I almost took us all down. Not him. It was me. Things I did with my own hands, things that happened because of my knowledge. I have to live with memorials for agents I killed. I have to live with civilians that died because I helped an alien army rip through a wormhole. I have to live with knowing I almost lost you for good, and I have to live with knowing it probably happened to spite me or punish me or hurt me."

It's tempting to grab his drink and down a lot of wine for that, but he refrains for the moment. Because this is important. This is the most important. "And it sucks knowing that working on the stuff that impacts my personal relationships takes second fiddle. I know. I can't deal with working on all of it all at once. I have to deal with working on feeling like I'm not an enemy to everything we've both worked our lives for. I have to deal with the bigger picture, first, before I deal with the...more personal damage that he did. I'm sorry. I don't ever want you to think I've given up. Because I need you in my life."

This might be what he needed all along. A lot of tension unwinds in him the more that Clint talks. Now, he understands and with understanding can come acceptance. There was still a little anger that Clint kept this all from him because they could have figured their shit out a lot sooner if he talked but it's not worth it. They made it this far and they can start really moving forward.

He lays his hand on top of Clint's and brushes his thumb back and forth slowly.

"Okay," he says simply. As sincerely as possible. "Then we deal with the personal side of things slowly. And professionally, the bigger picture, if you want my opinion on that or my help, I'll give that too."

What Loki did, taking Clint and using him and his skill, is very personal to Phil. The impact has been more personal, straight to his heart. He almost died. He almost lost Clint. He almost lost SHIELD. Every action Loki took went straight for Phil's heart. He might as well have run him through with a spear.

"We can start small. Weekly dinners? Since I don't need much help anymore but I do still want to spend time with you." But he also doesn't want to put too much pressure on Clint when he clearly has so much. "Anything outside of that we'll consider... icing on the cake."

"Weekly dinners. Maybe even a couple dinners a week. We can...we can do whatever you want. Within reason."

If Phil still wants to spend casual time with him, he'll take it. Absorb it like a fucking sponge. His social life has definitely taken a significant hit, so at the very least he can have uneventful dinners with the boyfriend he misses and frets over.

"I'm sorry your true love is a mess."

"Would you prefer we stay in the apartment or do you want to go back to our favorite dinner places?" Phil's not sure how many of those are left. He has a hard time looking at the destruction in the city and he didn't have a hand in it. If Clint wants to stay in he understands.

There's always delivery.

"I knew you were a mess before we started dating. This isn't news to me, Clint." His look is deeply fond though. "You also picked the most boring person in the world to date so I think we're even."

"God, if you're up for going out, I am totally up for going out. Stark made a mistake; he took us to a shawarma place after. You ever had that? It's like gyros but different."

They don't have to be in that area, either. Where the cleanup and reconstruction will be an ongoing effort for a while yet. City's big. Lots of places to go.

"And? You're not boring. You're a fucking super spy. You're my super spy, and a god tried to kill you and still failed."

"I'm very tired of this apartment. Going to physical therapy is the highlight of my day." Phil's not even allowed to swing by his office and pick up things. He needs to rest, sure, but his apartment is getting old.

Maybe it's just him but the air between them feels cleaner, easier, than before. His expression is stays a soft smile.

"Thor says that's going to make me famous in Asgard. Not many people have seen through Loki's tricks and lived to tell the tale." He draws himself up and tries to puff up his chest as he imitates Thor's accent. "You will be a legend, Son of Coul!"

The imitation is adorable, and Clint finds a dam to be cracking, tension easing, and his laughter is genuine. And feels so good.

"He has got to take you for a visit. Parade you in the streets. The mighty Son of Coul, whose keen eyes see through the slyest of tricks! Bring me back a shotglass."

"I think he would take Earth's Mightiest Heroes first." Phil's seen the headlines talking about the Avengers. That title seems to have stuck around outside of all the others.

"But it would be pretty great to go to another realm. I bet they make really good food there."

There's his Clint. There's the man struggling to get out from under all the trauma weighing on his shoulders. Phil is so glad to see him.

"I think we've had enough of the otherworldly for the moment. Then again, I bet Stark would love to get his hands all over the kind of magitech they've got." That could be a disaster. Orrr bring about a new age of enlightenment for humanity, who knows?

"Is this you forgiving me for being a shitty boyfriend?" he asks with a tilt of a smile and a drink of wine.

"Well, most Asgardians would have to stop regarding us as a backwater first. Then it might be a fun trip." Phil's aware more think like Loki than think like Thor about Midgard. Only time will tell if that can be changed.

He smiles back. "Yeah, I forgive you. Next time, though, I'll make you fill out official apology forms. In triplicate."

He sets down his glass and fans himself. "Ooo, baby, paperwork. You know how to make a scene steamy."

He might have to tweak his flirting and his sexy jokes if he is aware that sex itself is gonna be a touchy subject for a bit. But not right now!

"You have, more than once, wanted to throw all the paperwork on my desk on the floor so we could fuck on it. Don't pretend like you haven't."

Sex itself isn't a touchy subject now that Phil knows Clint's limits. If he wants to talk about it but not have it, that's fine. They'll get there eventually. Phil doesn't believe he'll die from blue balls.

His hand works just fine until Clint feels okay again.

"Because it was in the way, not because the paperwork itself was sexy. My pants look better on the floor than the paperwork." He bobs his brows. "Actually, come to think of it, I look better on the floor. If you get back to the desk and decide you need someone under it keeping you warm and cozy, you know who to call."

"That might be the only way to make a desk job bearable." Phil has some fairly strict lines about professionalism at work but maybe... well maybe when they're better they can break some of those.

He almost died. Clint got taken over. Who the hell cares about professionalism after all of that? If it's late enough no one would catch them...

"I would make you pick up the paperwork. Like I make you pick up your pants."

"And hey, if you take the Stark job, you know he's gonna be a little more flexible about anything that may or may not be going on."

In spite of the conversation, Clint's look is soft. "See? I flirt. Might miss being able to do anything about it, but I can still do that much."

"I don't think there's anything I can to stop Stark commenting on my sex life." Phil is resigned to this. There's no way they can really hide a relationship from the Avengers. Stark's going to have a field day.

"Oh, that was flirting?" Phil squeezes his hand. "It's okay. We'll get there."

"Ow, now I know I must be rusty. Just you wait until I take you out to dinner and get all romantic on you. Then you'll be in trouble."

"I can write a performance review," he offers in mock seriousness. "Give you the points you need to work on."

The idea of going out to dinner again alone is enough to get Phil excited. They might look like two friends out to dinner given everything going on but that's fine. They'll be together which is really all Phil needs.

"I'll learn how to seduce you all over again. Don't give me too many pointers, or I'll never learn." He closes his eyes just to feel Phil's hand, trying not to feel anything awful about it. Feeling the difference in touch.

"Thank you. For waiting for me."

"I am really looking forward to that." That Clint is willing to close his eyes around Phil says a lot on top of everything he's explained and said tonight. He's glad Clint can try that, can give that.

"I've waited for you before. I'll wait again."

"Do you still want me to stay the night?" His eyes flutter back open. "Or we can get wine drunk and see how we feel about it later."

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