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"Apparently not enough." He means for it to sound snappy, but now he's worried that actually comes off upset. "I can spend more time here? Is that what you need? Should I pop in a couple times a week? Every day if I can? Dinner and a movie every night?"

Phil leaves the sauce to simmer and faces Clint. Now he's the one hurting Clint and it's hurting both of them but the only way forward either to fix this or end it is to keep going.

"You're not really here when you're here, Clint," he says softly. "I know it'll take time for us to get back to how things were before but I can't even touch you. You won't get close to me. I don't know how to help you feel like you can without getting you to actually touch me."

Or flirt or laugh or just be happy to be around him again.

Clint swallows down a very unkind remark that's bubbling up to the tip of his tongue, about how Phil can just call him a burden if that's what he means.

That Phil hasn't said it means that isn't what he means. Phil doesn't lie to him. Doesn't tend to sugarcoat things. Says what he means.

"You can touch me. You've touched me. That's a thing you've done and can do. I've never told you to stop, and I've never pushed you away." Yet.

He reaches out silently for Clint's wrist knowing how stiff and awkward it will be. Phil slides Clint's hand under his shirt, pushing it up out of the way to his heart. That means Clint will feel the end of the scar from where Loki's scepter tore into him.

"But you don't touch me." Phil presses Clint's palm against his chest right over his heart which is beating strong and sure as it ever was. "I don't know you keep your hands to yourself. I thought I lost you and I keep wanting to touch you to make sure you're here and I haven't. You haven't lost me."

He's going to make that as clear as he can. "I'm still alive."

Stiff and awkward, yes. Phil might find a frantic pulse under his fingertips, and Clint opens his mouth to object, closes it again without saying a damn thing. If this is what's needed, then--maybe he doesn't need to pull away like Phil's fire. Even if the urge is there. Even if he's stiff and doesn't know what to do with himself in this moment.

He can feel the edge of scarring, the texture changing, and curls his fingers away. And then has that same panic at the idea of hurting his boyfriend again and flattens his fingers out again. Curls the fingers of his other hand instead, tight.

"Yeah." Also tight, his voice. "We're both alive."

Phil reaches up with his other hand and places it over the back of Clint's neck. He hasn't been this close to Clint since he first showed up at his door and he hugged him.

"And you're not going to lose me," he says it firmly, looking into Clint's eyes. "I know every detail of what you did for him. I've known it for a long time. It's not driven me away or made me see you differently. I'm here and I want you here but not if you don't want to be here and be with me."

It would be an odd adjustment if they went back to being friends instead of lovers but Phil would make it for Clint if it would help him. He'd do anything if it would help.

It helps, he supposes, that he can see the motion rather than just suddenly having a hand on his neck. It means he can prepare for it and not lash out. Doesn't keep the crawling feeling from worming under his skin or the rapid beat of panic from settling into his chest.

"I don't know that you do," grit out through the dusty sandpaper that his mouth feels like it's turned into. He's at least still breathing. That's always a plus.

"Can we-" He swallows against the grit, closes his eyes. "Can we establish some ground rules? Um. Renegotiate our rules. Something."

Phil really can't touch him, can he? Clint's scared for him or scared of his touch. There's real fear there. That makes him worry for Clint.

He lets his hands fall away from Clint's slowly. "Of course we can. Whatever you need, Clint."

If it will help them get back to how things were before or a new way things can be good, Phil will do it. He'll do anything to erase the look of fear in Clint's eyes.

The hands leave. His own hand hesitantly stays where it is, pressed to the strong beat of his boyfriend's heart. Try not to give in to the incessant fear that he's going to do something to hurt Phil, to damage him, to send him back to a hospital bed or worse. That these hands were only made to do the awful work of others.

Which might distract him from the awful feeling of knowing that Phil's caught him out in the lie about being able to touch him. At least a little.

"Touch me where I can see." That doesn't solve the problem, but he's pretty sure that's at least a reason why the touch to his neck gave him away so clearly.

A breath. "When you say be with you. Define that for me?"

Phil puts his hand on Clint's hip though he fully expects Clint won't relax into the touch or lean into it like he would before. It hurts that the easy trust between them has been so deeply damaged by what Loki did. They should be helping each other recover from this and yet...

"It feels like you're going through the motions when you're here," he explains, his tone still calm and patient. "I don't like you pretending everything is fine when it's not. I'd rather you be yourself so that we can actually help each other."

He wants them to move forward but if they're both pretending nothing's wrong than they never will.

Didn't really expect setting a rule to be taken like an order, but it's...better. He supposes. Better than a hand on the back of his neck, anyway.

He pulls his own hand away, slowly lifting it from familiar skin. "I'm trying to be myself. The me that I was. Sometimes it's easy to just be me. Easier with you, sometimes. I don't exactly want to be what came out the other side."

"You don't have to pretend to be that when you're not in the mood." Phil feels the loss of Clint's hand but stops himself from chasing after it. He'll be fine. They'll be fine. They're talking and that's better than ignoring everything.

"I'd like you to be here because you want to. Not because I've got some chore for you. If you don't feel like it, tell me. But don't stay away because you're afraid you're going to hurt me. I trust you." He believes that Clint's free of Loki's influence. He won't suddenly turn on Phil while they're watching Dog Cops or sharing dinner.

"Have a little faith in yourself too, Clint."

"I don't think you want me to be the me that the docs see in their offices, so I gotta figure out a middle ground that doesn't chase you off." Because he absolutely thinks that's possible, that there is a version of himself that Phil would just drop rather than bother trying to salvage.

"Clint." Phil feels his chest tighten. Of course he thought he could drive Phil away. Too many people had abandoned him over the years when things got difficult.

"I'm not that easy to scare off. Especially not with you." Phil shakes his head slightly. "We've been through a lot together. Have a little trust we can make it through this too."

After losing Clint Phil's not going to give him up so easily.

"Shit, do you talk about me in therapy? Is that where you get all this patience from?" More than the usual amount of patience, anyway.

"Don't let the sauce burn. Wouldn't want to ruin dinner just cuz I distracted you. Even if I make for a very nice distraction. Sometimes."

"Yes, I talk about you in therapy," Phil says as he turns away to deal with the sauce which does need a stir and some attention. "You're my partner and an important part of my life."

One of the most important aspects. Phil knows he'll never have a normal life but he can have someone who loves him and someone who understands the demands of the job. He doesn't have to be alone.

"I get my patience from being partially an artificial intelligence programmed to ignore any and all idiocy."

"I knew it," Clint says with amusement, even if it's a little forced, given the turn from the topic of himself. "Tony owes me money."

He feels like he can breathe just a little bit easier, and while he doesn't leave the kitchen, he does take a step back and lean, press, himself against a wall. "Though he'd probably argue that that's a lie since you don't ignore me or most of the shit that comes out of my mouth."

"Actually, that is a good time to bring up something with you," Phil says as he slowly stirs the sauce. "Stark stopped by three days ago. He offered me a job."

He looks over his shoulder towards Clint. "As his liaison to SHIELD for the Avengers initiative. Which is the second job offer he's made me. While you were missing he offered me a job working for his security team. I think he likes me."

Phil's not sure what to make of the offer. Or that Tony Stark showed up at his door, invited himself in, and then proceeded to insult the organization Phil worked for for most of his adult life and offer him a job. It was an interesting afternoon.

One offer can be a brushed off joke. Twice, with a personal visit? Means Stark's serious. Clint squints.

"I don't know how happy you'd be on his payroll--wait. His liaison to SHIELD for the Avengers. Doesn't that basically make you his PA, Pepper aside? Or is he making the whole assumption that the Avengers are not SHIELD? Because, I'd hate to break it to him, but it's Fury's idea, Fury's team, and whether they're officially working for SHIELD or not, it's kind of still a SHIELD operation."

He spreads his hands. "I get that the Avengers are overall bigger than that, but there's a lot of technicalities I don't feel legally qualified to speculate on further." And besides, those specifics don't matter so much as this: "Are you thinking about taking it?"

"Stark's play is pretty obvious." Phil tastes the sauce and then holds out the spoon towards Clint to taste. "He's rebuilding Stark Tower, going to make it the headquarters of the Avengers, and get away from SHIELD and Fury as the ones holding the leash. He has the money to finance something like that."

If Stark wanted a private army he could make himself one. Like a noble lord of old. Phil's always felt Stark's more a solo act in the end but he's taken to the Avengers fairly well.

"I don't know," he admits. "It might be a good option if I can't return to SHIELD field work and they make an offer I don't like. But I can't see myself doing it. Leaving SHIELD."

It's been his life for so long... he doesn't know what he'd be besides Agent Coulson.

He chews it over as he pushes himself from the wall to take that taste, like a normal thing they would normally do as a normal couple. "Lil more oregano." It's not a play for control, just a play for independence.

He knew that Stark was going to start digging the moment he set foot on the helicarrier and find things he shouldn't. That was planned, after all. One of the many items to fracture the nascent group. Weird how he's cool with the spies from the spy organization full of spy shit he's not down with, but he's a more complicated guy than the papers give him any credit for.

"I don't imagine he put a timer on the offer. He knows it'll depend on whether you're gonna get the clear or not. Might end up being the deciding factor." Then there will be backup plans, or other plans in place to make the offer all the more tempting. "Think you'd be happy?"

Phil steps away this time to get oregano, letting Clint return to the wall if that's where he wants to be. Before this he might kiss Clint before he could move away. He thinks about it but doesn't do it. He tries very hard not to think about the last time they kissed.

"No, he says I can sign on whenever I want. I imagine he's going to now go from Avenger to Avenger and ask them to move in." Phil sprinkles the oregano in the sauce and gets back to stirring. "I don't know if he'll suggest you and Nat should leave SHIELD as well or not."

Phil shrugs which he can now do without his entire side hurting. "I would miss being a handler. I would miss what I do. You know I genuinely love the job."

"I think he knows better than to come to us. I can moonlight as an Avenger while still being an agent of SHIELD. I think you could probably manage it, too, but with a position like that, I can understand he'd want a little more cleanliness in the tie-severing department."

He doesn't move away. Just back enough to be out of the way of the stirring. "Don't dismiss it. Think about it. And then see what the docs say about where you're at medically. Fury's not gonna like it, given he's a control freak, but I think he's gonna realize this was always bound to be bigger than him. If it actually worked." A shrug. "For the record, I didn't think it was actually gonna work, but if anyone could do it, it was Fury."

"I'd rather stay," he says seriously. "Being a part of SHIELD makes me part of something bigger. Something more than myself. I think I'd hate the private sector."

He wants to lean back into Clint but when he's not certain Clint's arms would come around him like before he doesn't. "Most people didn't think it would actually work but I had faith. Once you had something to rally behind."

Strange that his almost death was the uniting force. "I didn't think I'd be that important, you know."

"You're that important to me." That he can say easily. Because it's true. "And you made a pretty strong impression on Thor and Stark."

It wasn't planned for, though. Not something that Loki had considered, at any rate, else he wouldn't have done the stabbing in the first place.

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