fucky feelings for cuttingremark

[brandingproblem]

(from here)

He keeps his word. He doesn't tell anyone where Loki's hiding out, powerless. Even though he should. At the very least, Thor deserves to know, and when he inevitably finds out, Clint is going to accept whatever anger the thunder god levels at him.

Steve's gone, Tony's dead, Nat's dead, Bruce is...happy and content with his life and doesn't deserve that dropped on him frankly. So. That's all the OG crew accounted for. The new crew would obviously have heard about Loki, but that's not the same as actually being present fighting him or his forces. That Scott guy doesn't count, either. Like, would they do something? Maybe not if he hasn't actually done anything and doesn't pose a threat.

NYPD might have a few choice words, but. Clint tries very hard not to get noticed by the local LEOs if he can help it. Loki isn't really their jurisdiction, and SHIELD is...more or less out of commission even though it still works in the shadows, where Fury and Hill are. Wherever they are.

Which doesn't mean Loki gets of scot free. If he is up to something, then it's up to Clint to suss it out. Clint's mess, as ever. If Loki really is as powerless as it seems, there are still plenty of other ways he could fuck around and cause trouble. So. His responsibility.

It's definitely not whatever lingering connection of magic that binds their minds, not telepathy, not even really empathy, but still. A connection. It might have been severed long ago, but it's as Loki implied: you don't come out of that, something that strong and strange and otherworldly, and not have there be something that remains behind. Therapy has been all well and good. He isn't angry about it, not really, and he doesn't get nightmares the way he used to, after. But also, he's not sure it prepared him for Loki being in his life again. Not just a passing glance, either.

It jumbles everything up. The same type of traitorous thought that had him pondering Loki's sleeping habits and the absurd thought of touching crops up whenever he's near. Something damn near affectionate, something starved. Something that's in Loki, too, and it makes him feel sick. Makes him feel wanting. Which makes him feel sicker.

His eyes might be clear, but his mind feels clouded. Not a great way to show up at the apartment, but he can't just let this pass by without checking in on Loki. That's most of the reason he takes these trips back to NYC in the first place. Occasionally check in on Avengers-y things, see how the cleanup of the compound is up north, catch up with a few people he actually knows. But. It's about Loki.

It's always been fucking about Loki, huh.

He raps on the door, drinks nestled in a holder. Hot tea for Loki, a spiced blend, cloves, cinnamon. Makes him think of wintertime. Makes him think of the spicy and complicated (former?) god. Coffee for himself. Peace offering.

Comments

[brandingproblem]

"Would appreciate it. And your discretion."

Strange stands and gives him a Look. "Please, I'm still literally a doctor; I can do confidentiality. But you," with a point, "should probably tell someone that stone boy's been messing with your head, and you," pointing the handle of the sheathed dagger suddenly in hand at Loki, "should probably tell Thor before he finds out some other way and busts a hole through my freshly patched roof."

Clint grimaces. "We're telling you, because it's magic, it's Stones, and you had one for a while."

"And as you know, I don't anymore. No one does. That was the point."

"Hasn't stopped this connection from happening."

"And you didn't feel it at all while Loki was alive?"

A shrug. "I think being on a completely different planet and out of my life meant distance makes the heart grow colder."

Strange looks around at some of his books and magical bullshit, looking for something specific. "And you haven't considered just being far from each other and waiting it out?"

"No, totally didn't cross our minds at all, doc."

The wizard pulls a book, then with a motion of his hand, they're in another room completely while he looks at other shelves. Clint's coffee nearly spills from his hand. But at least his feet are still under him. "Why come to me and not Wanda? She's the magic user more attuned to the mind. I'm flattered, of course, but it's not my specialty."

"And saddle her with this? Besides, we were in town. I don't even know where she's gone to."

[cuttingremark]

"Thor will hear nothing of me until my powers are fully returned." Loki grabs for the dagger, only for Strange to pull it away at the last second.

"Nope, you gave this to me. It's mine now."

Loki huffs, but seems to suddenly remember something.

"If you aren't powerful enough, we can always seek out the Sorcerer Supreme," Loki says with a snarky tone. Strange fixes him with an indifferent stare that betrays that the barb actually found it's mark.

"Wong's a busy man, no need to bother him with this."

[brandingproblem]

"Wait, is he not the Supreme? I thought you were the Supreme."

"I was, until I got blipped out of existence, and then that made Wong get the title on a technicality alone."

"So we should go to him."

"Do you want help or not?"

"I'm just saying, if you're not actually the--"

"Take a seat, both of you."

Clint still doesn't want to sit, still wants to keep standing, like he's going to bolt at a moment's notice. "Can't do it standing?"

Strange shoots him a look. "Same way you don't do a CAT scan or an MRI while standing. This could get intense, and I don't need either of you falling over in the middle of it."

He...sits, reluctantly, uncomfortably, but at least he does.

[cuttingremark]

They're both on the same couch and it's just like yesterday. Luckily this time Strange is there to take some of Loki's attention. Something to focus on that isn't the faint heat he can feel from Clint, barely an arm's length away.

"Okay, I'm going to need you both to close you eyes and focus on the other."

Well shit.

[brandingproblem]

"We're...kinda trying to do the opposite of that, you know?"

"Barton," with the exasperated patience of someone quickly running out, "what I'm about to do is the magical equivalent of doing exploratory surgery on your brains. Try to follow my instructions."

"Focus on Loki, got it."

His hands ball in the couch either side of his lap, leaning forward, unable to relax, but he shuts his eyes and thinks about Loki. Tries for distance. Think about Loki from a factual standpoint. View him, review facts about him, don't get into it.

Impossible not to get into it, though. Some of it is the flash of desire, yes, wanting to pounce on him, pin him down, feel hands scratching him all over and pulling him in.

Some of it is memory, sense memory and all. A wave of sickly blue, the same kind dancing in exhausted eyes. The ease of being given an order or being asked questions and responding without hesitation to it all. Falling in step easy as breathing. The internal struggle, useless. The urge to fell the felled god with one last shot, half buried in Stark's floor.

The simplicity of not thinking or fighting it. A hand on his shoulder (a hand in his hair a hand holding his neck tight a hand running down his spine). A murmur of praise (from Loki from the Stone from something beyond either of them from Loki).

Loki under him squirming and gasping and grasping, grinding into one another. The desire for oneness. The understanding between them. Seeing. It all swirls together, and whether that's just his own mind and the connection, or Strange's magic, he certainly can't tell.

[cuttingremark]

UnFotunatly for Loki, he knows exactly what this kind of magic is looking for. He doesn't try to fight the urges, doesn't try to stay neutral, just opens his mind and focuses on Barton.

A hand, a tool, a weapon. Sharp eyes behind a haze of blue, looking for any weakness to escape. Control, more control, more focus than the others. Fear, fear of failure, his own and Bartons. Fear of what was behind the power that bound the two together. He tries to keep the thoughts in some sort of sequential order, but it's no good as old mixes with new in a swirl of sensations and emotions.

Hand, calloused yet soft yet hard. On his skin, in his hair, at his back. Urging him forward, pushing him away, supporting, tearing, grinding, choking-

It all stops in a snap. Loki's eyes open as he gasps like he's been underwater for hours. Strange is breathing heavy as well, leaning back on the table behind him for support, perfectly quaffed hair slightly disheveled.

"Shit," the sorcerer says. "You two got it bad."

[brandingproblem]

The best part, he figures, is that he doesn't think he can feel Strange's brand of magic. He doesn't know which of them is shuffling through memories or sensations, but at least the only fingers across his brain he feels are Loki's, as far as he can tell.

That it all ends so abruptly is the part that slaps him across the face, douses him in ice water. He reels back, confusion pouring in, disorientation, for a moment not entirely sure where or when he is.

But Strange snarks, and Clint leans back, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. "No shit," he growls in return. "Great diagnosis."

"Good news," the sorcerer continues, running a hand through his hair to straighten it out (only to dishevel it further), "you're not going crazy. Well, crazier. It really is a lingering influence triggered back when the Stone bound you together."

"Cool. Bad news?"

A hand waggle. "'Bad' is subjective."

"Doc."

"Fixing something done by something as powerful as an Infinity Stone without that same Stone is not exactly easy. Has anyone else under the influence reported anything?"

"Not that we're aware of?"

"And you two, when this connection was broken--"

Clint continues rubbing at his eyes. "Got hit in the head really hard until I snapped out of it."

[cuttingremark]

"Likewise, my connection with the Stone was broken when the green beast slammed me into the floor. Repeatedly." The haze of anger and violence receding, every feeling the Mind Stone had amplified for Thanos' own purpose.

"So you just got whacked on the head really hard. I don't suppose anyone checked you out for traumatic brain injuries after? From the blows or the Stone?"

Loki shrugs. "They certainly didn't me, but I assume they would take more care with one of their own." He gestures vaguely to Clint.

"Right, so we have no diagnostic information directly post trauma." Strange lets out a heavy sigh, fingers going to massage his temples. "We'll work on managing the symptoms until we can find something to sever the connection. You said distance made it better?"

"In a way, but..." Loki grimaces, loath to admit any weakness in front of the pompous human. "I did notice it getting a bit worse in the day or so before Barton arrived. Like an itching at the back of my mind."

[brandingproblem]

"I got put through so many tests after, SHIELD archives probably could make some kinda perfect clone of me that could fool anyone. Medical and psychological." He pointedly doesn't look at Loki when he drops his hands, more at the ceiling than anything else. "I shouldn't've gotten back in the fight after I came to, but I did. After, I was taken care of. For months."

He takes in a steady breath, lets it go, sits up straighter. That was a lifetime ago now. He'd long since gotten over it. But now it sits fresh like mint on the tip of his tongue.

"But if you really wanna push the idea that head trauma's causing this, this would be a really damn delayed reaction. I didn't exactly get some kind of animal craving to literally fuck the guy who figuratively fucked me. I had to sleep in another bed away from my wife when I finally was allowed back home, because it wasn't-" with a fervent motion between the two would-be patients "-it wasn't this I was waking up from in the middle of the night, that's for damn sure. And in the ten and change years since, can't say I've felt anything like this before.

"We're here making fucking idiots of ourselves in front of you because this is some magical bullshit, not a shared hallucination or brain trauma."

There's a few moments of silence ringing after that, and Strange spreads his hands. "Are you done?"

Clint flips him off.

"Okay. Now that that's out of our system, do you want to tell me if you had any worsening symptoms like Loki described, or do you just want to keep lashing out like a child to the person you turned to for help?"

"You don't play well with others, do you?"

"Not everyone ends up a go-to guy on a world renowned superhero team."

"Because you don't play well with others. Got it." Before Strange can get another snark in edgewise: "I think the worst part about all this is that after we got...handsy with each other a couple times, it feels better." A glance, brief, at Loki. "I think it feels a little better. Dunno if it's because of the...giving in or what."

[cuttingremark]

Seeing Clint berate Strange feels good. Not in the weird forced heated way that is their bond, but in a normal vindication sort of way. Thor is always so willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when Loki is the one with issues with them. Seeing one of the 'heros' tear into the doctor for everything Loki had found irritating about the man feels good. Like it isn't just another one of his many character flaws preventing him from getting along with him.

Or maybe it is and it's just a flaw they share. Still, misery loves company.

Loki nods in agreement when Clint glances at him. "I was the same. It lasted longer the second time, though."

Strange gets that calculating look on his face that makes Loki want to stab him. "Think you two can hold hands for a couple of minutes without going for each other?"

[brandingproblem]

"Doubt it," is the honest reply. "But we could try it. Not getting in a get-along shirt anytime the blue in my brain decides I need a hit of Loki, though."

"Humor me."

Clint grumbles and holds out his hand to Loki. "I don't even know why it gets all determined about touching and more as it is. You'd think it'd be all about...I don't know, a master and his subservient kind of thing."

He knows an aspect of it is simply knowing that they see each other, whether they like it or not. They are different people now, but it's that touch of mind and will and soul that means that no matter what happens, Loki will always be...someone who knows him better than anyone else. At some level.

[cuttingremark]

Loki eyes the hand for a moment before taking it, subconsciously threading his fingers between Clint's. He feels that same pull, but not trying to resist the urge to be with completely does make it easier to not immediately pounce. Oh well, if they do loose control, Strange with either get a show or dowse them with cold water.

"Close your eyes again, we're going to try one more thing..."

He doesn't get much time to comply with the request before they're both awash in gold magic. Without instruction on what to think about, Loki finds his mind naturally wanders to Clint. His hand in his, a map of his years of combat, heat seeping under Loki's skin. It makes him want more. More heat, more places, he wants to be covered in it, wrapped so tightly he can't move. Wants to hear that voice-

"Yep! That's what I thought." Not that voice! "You want the good news or the bad news first?"

[brandingproblem]

Clint huffs out through his nose, letting Loki lace without fighting it, but he is fighting the urges. They're more muted but still very much there. Oneness, together, like missing part of himself. Like he needs that domineering presence back in his life, except Loki hadn't ever acted domineering. In control, yeah, sure, but setting that aside, he asked questions, listened to answers, took suggestions. Not equal, but close to it.

Like he wants to take Loki in his hands and push him up against a wall and press into him until they merge. Like he needs to feel every muscle and every patch of skin. Like he needs Loki to need him back. Like he needs to protect what has been claimed.

When Strange's voice cracks into that sensation, draws him out of it, he finds he's leaning much closer to Loki than he was a moment ago.

........Should they keep holding hands or nah? He's gonna keep holding on.

"Uh. Fuck it, what's the good news?"

[cuttingremark]

Loki doesn't let go either, loath to break the connection once it's been forged.

"Good news is your symptoms should be pretty easy to manage." Then without a beat, "Bad news is your best option to manage them is probably to sleep together."

Well that's not what he was expecting. His grip on Clint's hand tightens somewhat, nothing painful, but still noticeable.

"Pardon?"

"Sorry, was that not Shakespearean enough for you? For more long-term relief from wanting to rip each others throats out in a semi-erotic way, you should have coitus. Make the beast with two backs. Fuck."

Loki's going to kill this man.

[brandingproblem]

"Enemies with benefits this? What, like on a regular basis?"

"To manage the symptoms, like I said, yes." Like it's just that easy.

"And do you have any helpful suggestions about fixing this, maybe?"

"We're talking about the power of an Infinity Stone here. It was never going to be as easy as snapping my fingers. There's so little research on the effects of these things. You wanna know why?"

"Because they usually--"

"Because they usually killed the person using it." Clint's going to kill him if Loki doesn't. "Yes, exactly. That Loki had a fancy stick mitigated the damage, but if he kept on using it, yeah, probably would've ended up dying way earlier. Rest of you? Permanent damage at best. I need to do more digging to come up with something more lasting to help you two, so in the meantime, you need to help yourselves." And after a beat: "Not here. I'll have you know the Sanctum is a hanky-panky free zone."

"Explains a lot," muttered just loud enough for Strange to hear."

[cuttingremark]

Loki lets out a snort at the jab. "Are you certain? This couch is rather comfortable."

Strange just rolls his eyes. "Seriously, do not get busy on my couch. I have to go look up some very old books and scrolls now thanks to you two."

"Perhaps we should check in with the Sorcerer Supreme. He is the one who actually runs the Sanctum, isn't he?"

[brandingproblem]

"I am perfectly capable of diagnosing you with a case of stone-crazy, and the fact that my medical recommendation is sex isn't an indication I'm not taking this seriously."

"Uh-huh. But do you think the Sorcerer Supreme would mind if we got busy in these walls, or is this a you-specific rule? Maybe he made it because of you."

Strange raises a finger, like it's threatening at this point.

"Maybe you need to check in with some of the apprentices. Kids these days, you know how they are. Maybe there's a reason this couch is so comfortable."

"Get out, go, go on. Get a hotel room or something. I think I need a shower from all the," shudder, "images and feelings you two were giving off."

"...I should actually--" Clint withdraws his hand from Loki's, finally. "I should probably make a call real quick."

"And you can't do it after you have vacated the premises?" Strange sighs dramatically. "I'm not kicking you out permanently; I want to two to check in regularly to reassess and modify treatment as necessary."

"It's not that. But, thanks, actually, for taking this seriously?" It can wait the two seconds while the sorcerer shoves them outside. But he does want to do it. And. It also annoys Strange. "Two minutes, okay, just one call. Don't arrest him before I get back."

[cuttingremark]

"I'm sure he can resist the urge for a few minutes." Loki doesn't look up at Clint as he exits the room to make what is bound to be a very uncomfortable call. Of course he doesn't know for sure who the archer is calling, but given the circumstances, it's a pretty safe bet that Laura Barton will be the one on the other end of the line.

"Come on, take him with you! I have stuff to d- aaand he's gone." Strange huffs and plops down on a rather pretentious wingback chair. The two mages stare at each other for a while before Stephen finally breaks the silence.

"So the shape shifting-"

"I genuinely do not know why it is still functional. My seidr is gone, you said it yourself."

"Really? No ideas? Nothing to do with the adopted thing maybe?"

Loki glares at him. "The thought had crossed my mind, but I don't exactly have any way to check, now do I?"

Stephen sits back and hums. "I'll have one of the apprentices look into anything we have on Jotunheim."

Loki raises an eyebrow, clearly confused at the offer for information without asking for something else first. Stephen waves him off.

"Look, I don't understand this, and I don't like not understanding things."

"So it is your pride rather than some misplaced sense of sympathy."

[brandingproblem]

They probably won't kill each other in the couple minutes this will maybe possibly take. He wouldn't be too put out, really, if they did.

The call to Laura goes...about as well as can be expected. She is, of course, a very understanding woman. More than he could ever hope to ask for. Her history as an agent certainly helps, knowing that there is some Weird Inexplicable Shit out there. She was so good to him in that unsettled period after Loki's...after Loki. She understands that sometimes Shit Happens on the job.

That does not mean she has to understand this.

He explains it as best as he can. Which isn't great. But he tries. That there isn't any tangible method of fixing this, and that to be perfectly honest they don't even know if this will work until they try it, doesn't help.

Her worries are legitimate. She doesn't want to lose him to something he'd fended off years ago. And they practically just got back together. Running off to spend time with someone like that, sexually, does not feel good.

There is...an argument.

It takes her checking that he does, in fact, have a flight booked home and several promises that he would rather Loki choke on several dicks that are definitely not his and maybe re-die and go to whatever Asgardian hell there is (Hel?), but seeing as that's not going to be an option for several reasons...to get the argument to calm. Think of it as a mix of alternative therapy and a mission. It's the best he's got.

She knows he hasn't been sleeping the best for the last month anyway.

He meekly comes back, phone tucked away. "Still alive?"

[cuttingremark]

"Barely."

Loki stands when Clint re-enters the room, not making eye contact with him. He hadn't been eavesdropping, but it was impossible for either him or Strange to miss when the call got a bit heated.

"Unfortunatly Strange refuses to budge on the 'no sex in the Sanctum' rule, so I suppose we shall have to return to my apartment."

"Wait, you have an apartm-"

"Shall we?" Loki seamlessly shifts back to her less-recognizable form and holds an arm out for Clint to take.

[brandingproblem]

He sees the arm and the dashing lady and--

Shoves his hands in his pockets and makes for the nearest exit-looking door. "We shall. You know I have a hotel room, right?"

Strange rolls his eyes so hard they might strain, and with a touch of magic, they are suddenly in the foyer again, with him shooing them toward the door. "I do not want to hear it, out. But let me know if it works!"

"Hey, quick question, anyone ever puke after that?"

"Out!"

And they are out.

"...Like I said. Hotel room. I've got one. Just in case, uh." He furrows his brow, stares at the concrete under his feet for a moment. "Depending on how many neighbors are around." To hear. In case. Things get loud.

[cuttingremark]

"Aw, shy are you?" Loki gives him a dangerous smirk and tries very hard to not think about what he might do to make her scream. "Most of the apartments surrounding me are empty. If you prefer to wear protection, we should stop to purchase that."

[brandingproblem]

That. Is an annoyingly not bad idea. "What, not in the habit of bringing anyone home yet?" His feet start moving. There are shops all over, and better to be away from Strange's doorstep at this point.

"You thinking of staying like that, or back to your usual self? Out of curiosity."

[cuttingremark]

"That and I don't actually need it."

She thinks for a moment. Something about talking about the act takes a bit of the edge away, as if they were making it worse trying to ignore it.

"Whatever you would prefer. Things can also be a bit of a...mix and match, shall we say?"

[brandingproblem]

"...Well. If you don't need it. Then I probably don't need it. I'd ask if we're about to find the first case of cross-species STDs, but your brother has definitely slept with Jane, so pretty sure if there were some weird biological differences to know about, we'd know about it."

(Does he know for a certain fact that Thor and Jane did the do, no, but come on. It's Thor. You hit that. With a hammer. So to speak.)

"That not needing extend to, uh." He is not a teenager god. "Lubrication?"

Setting aside the mix'n'match for a hot second.