fucky feelings for cuttingremark

[brandingproblem]

(from here)

He keeps his word. He doesn't tell anyone where Loki's hiding out, powerless. Even though he should. At the very least, Thor deserves to know, and when he inevitably finds out, Clint is going to accept whatever anger the thunder god levels at him.

Steve's gone, Tony's dead, Nat's dead, Bruce is...happy and content with his life and doesn't deserve that dropped on him frankly. So. That's all the OG crew accounted for. The new crew would obviously have heard about Loki, but that's not the same as actually being present fighting him or his forces. That Scott guy doesn't count, either. Like, would they do something? Maybe not if he hasn't actually done anything and doesn't pose a threat.

NYPD might have a few choice words, but. Clint tries very hard not to get noticed by the local LEOs if he can help it. Loki isn't really their jurisdiction, and SHIELD is...more or less out of commission even though it still works in the shadows, where Fury and Hill are. Wherever they are.

Which doesn't mean Loki gets of scot free. If he is up to something, then it's up to Clint to suss it out. Clint's mess, as ever. If Loki really is as powerless as it seems, there are still plenty of other ways he could fuck around and cause trouble. So. His responsibility.

It's definitely not whatever lingering connection of magic that binds their minds, not telepathy, not even really empathy, but still. A connection. It might have been severed long ago, but it's as Loki implied: you don't come out of that, something that strong and strange and otherworldly, and not have there be something that remains behind. Therapy has been all well and good. He isn't angry about it, not really, and he doesn't get nightmares the way he used to, after. But also, he's not sure it prepared him for Loki being in his life again. Not just a passing glance, either.

It jumbles everything up. The same type of traitorous thought that had him pondering Loki's sleeping habits and the absurd thought of touching crops up whenever he's near. Something damn near affectionate, something starved. Something that's in Loki, too, and it makes him feel sick. Makes him feel wanting. Which makes him feel sicker.

His eyes might be clear, but his mind feels clouded. Not a great way to show up at the apartment, but he can't just let this pass by without checking in on Loki. That's most of the reason he takes these trips back to NYC in the first place. Occasionally check in on Avengers-y things, see how the cleanup of the compound is up north, catch up with a few people he actually knows. But. It's about Loki.

It's always been fucking about Loki, huh.

He raps on the door, drinks nestled in a holder. Hot tea for Loki, a spiced blend, cloves, cinnamon. Makes him think of wintertime. Makes him think of the spicy and complicated (former?) god. Coffee for himself. Peace offering.

Comments

[cuttingremark]

"And now you're trying to take my job." Loki smirks, a bit of the tension he was feeling easing out of him when Clint admits they should probably have a plan. Normally he's all for spontaneity and chaos, but his situation is too delicate right now.

"Would you rather do this now while our minds are apparently as clear as they're going to get, or later?"

[brandingproblem]

"Well, we're sure as hell not gonna do any planning when we're ripping clothes off each other."

He sits, tentatively, on the bed next to Loki. Deliberately does not apologize for bleeding on the sheets. Hasn't bothered with his shirt, but he's got underwear and pants on. Good enough for now.

"You planning on sticking around, or you gonna bolt?" Given how Loki was very convinced he needed to Leave, Immediately before.

[cuttingremark]

"I will remind you this is my apartment -sort of. If anyone is bolting, it would have to be you."

Well, at least they're both wearing pants now. And Loki doesn't even feel the need to rip them off! Progress!

"No goes...other than choking, don't bring up my family? Though I feel that's rather obvious."

[brandingproblem]

"I meant are you going to leave this place and find somewhere else, worried I'm gonna sic someone on you, but fair enough."

He huffs out a laugh at Loki's second point. "Pretty obvious, yeah. I can promise when we're together, I am not thinking about Thor." Which, he's never really thought about Thor that way, but he can see the appeal...

"I-" He starts, he stops. Like he's choking on his thoughts, struggling with what he wants to say, how he wants to say it. "Think I want you to hurt me," he starts again, fingers curling along the edge of the bed, line of his neck, his shoulders, tight and taut. "But I don't know that you should."

[cuttingremark]

It's not an unreasonable request. Loki knows how his own blood sang for pain during the whole encounter, but there's something else there. The admission seems to disturb Clint in a way that tells him it may not be an established desire.

"I'm not sure I should either. Is this something you've desired from other partners?" Something outside of whatever fucked up connection they have.

[brandingproblem]

It's like he said before: pain and pleasure are two sides of the same coin. They fit together so well, and it definitely can be fun in the bedroom. That's not the problem that he has as he focuses on a spot on the floor rather than look at Loki.

"I don't want to enjoy this. What we're doing. I want you to hurt me." Not the fun kind of pain, not a delicious bite, not fingernails dragging and digging into his skin. "Like some kind of negative association."

[cuttingremark]

"I'm not going to do that," Loki says a bit too quickly. "If you want me to hurt your for pleasure, I will. But I'm..."

I'm not that much of a monster. Is that what you think of me?

"I won't."

[brandingproblem]

Years ago--a lifetime ago--the answer would have been yes. That's exactly how much of a monster he thought Loki was.

Now the answer just has him breathe out slow, relaxing. Gives a nod. "I know." It's nice to hear. He decides it's nice to hear, that it would've been a lot worse if Loki had actually considered the request. Does part of him still want it? Sure. But he recognizes that it's a shitty thing to ask of someone, and fucking unhealthy for him to want. "Thank you."

[cuttingremark]

Loki doesn't think he's done anything to warrant thanks, but rather than saying that he lets it linger awkwardly in the air.

"I know I want you to hurt me." A great way to break an awkward silence. "But that's not a new desire on my part."

[brandingproblem]

"We just have to work on the opposite problem." Finally he can make himself look at Loki. "I know you're resilient and all, but I'll...try to make it the good kind of pain. Just like if you're dishing out the good kind and I ask for more, don't. We'll...figure it out."

Maybe. Depending how many times they're gonna do this.

"You like it when you're not in control," he wagers. "You like being on the bottom. Is that a you thing, or is that how you are with me specifically?"

Because there are issues between them, a history of powerlessness. He wouldn't put it past Loki that it might be a deliberate choice to keep it as much in Clint's hands as he possibly can.

[cuttingremark]

Loki bristles as Clint lays his desires out so plainly. He almost lashes out, demands to know who this human thinks he is insinuating that Loki would bring himself beneth anyone.

But he catches himself. This isn't Asgard, and the smell of sex still lingers in the room despite both of their efforts to scrub it away. He has no reason to hide anything from the human. Especially if this is just going to happen again.

"I can't pretend our history has nothing to do with it, but being 'on the bottom', as you put it, is something I...enjoy." The admission seems like it has to force it's way out of his mouth and now it's Loki who can't look at Clint.

[brandingproblem]

Clint rolls his eyes a little. "I don't know how you would put it. Playing catcher. Enjoying having the act done on you. Being a pillow queen. I'm sure you guys have euphemisms of your own. It's fine, I don't mind."

For a given definition of not minding, granted. He minds all of this. But he's fine doing the pitching if that's what Loki's down for. If Loki ever decides to ask for the other way around, well...that might end up being a conversation. But not one they have to have right now.

[cuttingremark]

"Ergi," Loki mutters. "The Asgardian term for someone who enjoys submitting during sex. It's not exactly a term of endearment."

[brandingproblem]

"Is there a term that's a little more endearing? I'm not--" He huffs. Because this fucking sucks. "I'm not gonna be out to hurt you emotionally when this shit is happening." No promises on whether he'll deliberately try to hurt Loki emotionally when they aren't in some desperate sexual throes.

[cuttingremark]

"Not really. It would probably be best to stick with Midgardian terms for that one." He smirks, trying to find something to lighten the mood.

"I rather like the sound of 'pillow queen.'"

[brandingproblem]

"That one's also technically not flattering, but some people like to embrace it." But that's not really here or there, he supposes. "How about doing more than just gagging you? What about, I dunno, blindfolds? Tying you up, strapping you down? I have no idea how much patience either of us are gonna have for anything involved, but. Suppose it's not bad to know about. In case."

[cuttingremark]

To his credit, Loli does actually think for a moment before answering. He enjoyed being blinded in the past, but now all he can think of is the vast emptiness of the void, endless falling, no air-

"No blindfolds. Or anything deafening."

His hands start to fidget. Loki's no blushing virgin, obviously, bit something about talking through things in such a detached and plane manner makes him uncomfortable. Like he's being picked apart and examined to see what makes him tick.

"What of you? Does any of that...interest you?"

[brandingproblem]

Clint isn't flippant about it, either. It's an exercise for him, trying to mentally balance things he might like with some people but not with others, things he likes generally that might make alarm bells ring with Loki. Remembering that Loki, as he is now, doesn't want to hurt him or anyone he loves. Doesn't want to control him and puppet him.

"Maybe blindfolds." An admittance. Something so necessary for him, his sight, and to have it taken away by someone like this-- "I can like that, with people I trust. It's a possibility." Might be okay to simply not see Loki. Give him a bit of distance. Hm. "I don't think you should be tying me up, though."

Not that that also isn't enjoyable in its own ways. But with Loki, he could see himself fighting it. Like with pain, with too much pain. The idea of deliberately putting himself in a situation that might be harmful to his mental state just to match what he thinks he's supposed to feel.

He shudders, just a little.

"Deafening's fine." He makes a little motion to his aid. "Can always just turn this off." Is it specifically a turn on? Well. He can't actually say he's played around with the idea of it all that much yet.

"I'd say maybe we should have a system in place if we need things to stop, but I don't know how well short physically throwing each other off that'll work." Are they putting too much thought and planning into this, for something that seems to seep into their senses, drive them mad? "Are you...okay?"

[cuttingremark]

Loki let's out a strangles, half-mad sort of laugh at the question. Obviously he isn't 'okay', nothing about this is 'okay', but here they ate, trying to make the best of it. Trying to ensure the other doesn't come out of this anymore fucked up that necessary. It's good, too good for the likes of him.

"Are you?"

[brandingproblem]

He huffs in return. "I mean about talking about this shit, not-" With a motion to encompass the overall.

[cuttingremark]

"It's fine." Very convincing. He sighs, rubbing his temples. "No, that isn't...it's not you. Just feeling...frayed." It isn't the best descriptor, but he's sure Clint will get it.

"You had enough presence of mind to stop when I pushed you away on the couch. Whatever this is, it doesn't seem to completely rob us of our senses. We may even be more level headed if we don't wait so long next time."

[brandingproblem]

"Well, you did kinda give me a throw. Figure even a mindless animal can figure that much out."

He understands it on an intellectual level. If they don't wait for it to get so bad that they can barely keep their hands off each other and speak in little more than grunts, then they have more agency. Emotionally, he hates it.

"...So I figure...verbally we might need something a little more than just 'stop'. We could go by traffic lights? Green means go, everything's fine, red means stop. Yellow's a slow down, maybe not a full stop but like a proceed with caution type of thing. But," he adds quickly, raising his hands, "if you don't want to complicate it and just have stop mean stop, we can...do that, too."

[cuttingremark]

"No, that sounds sensible." Having a system is a good idea. If it doesn't work, they can always fall back on more physical means.

"We should check in, maybe in...a week?" It's hard to tell what kind of timeline they're working on, but weekly doesn't sound like a terrible idea.

[brandingproblem]

"...I can give you my number. Sure. A week. See if Strange comes up with anything."

Which he hopes so, but who fucking knows.

"Want me to find a place closer to home to meet up?"

[cuttingremark]

"I suppose that depends on how far away you live. I'm assuming one of the first things you did after New York was moving your family somewhere else." Somewhere Loki didn't know about. He'd never truly wanted to use them in his plans, had asked more out of curiosity than anything. But were he in Clint's position, he knows he would have done the same.

"I can't really travel as swiftly as before."