brandingproblem | open post

It's very tender, the admission. And it's difficult to know how to react to it. Is he surprised? Well, if he's honest, not really. He has at times thought of Phil as his boyfriend, internally, on occasion, sometimes. It sounds less flowery and dramatic than lover, more specific than partner. But he doesn't say the word. Saying it is different.

Making it in any way official is also different. It isn't like it's new, the idea that there are feelings involved. It's been made clear for a while now that this is definitely something more than just physical. But had remained otherwise undefined.

So why is the idea so frightening? Oh. Right. Because when's the last time he had a serious, lasting relationship? All of never.

"Oh hey, I love this sandwich place, let's get here."

His way of tabling the waiting conversation for, yes, a more private time.

There are only two instances wherein Clint's stopped, being recognized and asked for a photo or an autograph before awkwardly scurrying along before some kind of crowd forms. Going to a Stark party and being photographed with Nat deep in some Starbucks and noticed from a distance for whatever little articles tabloid or legit, that's a different kind of fame than having it be seen and noticed and put in his face. He's still acclimating to it. But the nice thing about being one of the less marketable Avengers who is, in action, seen from a distance more often than boots on the ground, means it's only a few times when he's out. Not hounded like Tony or with a trailing gaggle of fans like Thor.

He's pretty sure if people even notice Coulson, he's written off as a bodyguard, which is deeply entertaining. So long as they don't talk shop about anything serious on the way, Clint is content enough chatting amicably, munching on a bag of chips, until they're inside and in safety. And privacy.

Phil smiles to himself as Clint flees the conversation before it can go further. That's fine with him. He doesn't want to have this conversation on a public New York street either.

It's the way he does it that Phil finds amusing. A simple statement and gone. No excuse. No explanation. Just done. Not forever, but for now. It's straight to the point and direct as Clint often is.

So, the conversation turns casual. Some talk of work in the vaguest sense and a bit about the shows Phil's currently watching that are just as awful as last season but he keeps watching anyway. It's the sort of conversation they'd have anywhere.

Home feels a bit more important now. Phil insists on getting plates out to eat their sandwiches instead of from the paper they're wrapped in. They're civilized people.

Once they sit down to eat Phil figures they can ease back into the conversation. Unless Clint brings it up himself.

"I am telling you," says the less civilized person, mouth half-full as it is, "they already come wrapped in perfectly good plates so you don't have to waste dirtying up an actual plate." That's just common sense! But, as ever, he defers to Phil.

Knowing that he can and will act like a bachelor caveman when he's alone in his own place. So there.

He should probably bring up the finely dressed elephant in the room. Is he going to? No. At least, not yet. Because he's not super sure how to without going 'so we should talk' and then not knowing what to say after that. God. Phil's better with words.

"I've bent to you and Natasha's habit of eating Chinese straight from the carton. I need to draw the line somewhere." He drapes his jacket on the back of a chair and then rolls up his sleeves to the elbow so he won't get oil and vinegar stains. He also takes off his tie for the same reason.

The plates get set out and Phil is very deliberate about putting Clint's sandwich on his and then presenting it to him.

When he's seated with his own he allows for a few bites before starting the conversation that Clint's clearly thinking about but not saying. "So, do you want to label this a relationship or no?"

Fine, neat and tidy it is. If he weren't eating, he'd probably stick his tongue out.

And, as usual, as planned really, Phil is the one to not only get back to the topic but do so directly, very bluntly. It's in fact so blunt that Clint nearly chokes.

"This is kind of already a relationship," he points out. Which isn't wrong, but given they both know what they're talking about, it's needlessly pedantic. "We're sleeping together and we give a shit. Presumably, that's a relationship."

"Do you want people to know it's a relationship?" Phil continues forward like Clint isn't being pedantic and arguing the semantics of what they are. "Because it takes one cellphone camera to catch a picture of Hawkeye out with the bodyguard to start a media cascade."

Their romantic dinner could be seen. There would be no way to pass it off as a casual dinner between coworkers. Not with everything Phil's thinking about planning.

"Because that's what comes next for us. We go public, in a sense." Phil suspects it will be a surprise to many people. Not everyone but a few. They are very close.

"I'm all for going out and having dinner, Phil. We don't have to make an announcement or send out wedding invites."

But if they become lax about when and where they show themselves, then yeah. That'll cause ripples. To say the least.

He tears at the bread a little anxiously. "It won't be a good look for you. There are bound to be repercussions. Me, I don't give a shit; what is anyone gonna do, fire an Avenger? But you're my handler. Much less public-facing. Means anything could happen. And what's the optics on you sleeping with one of your agents? Your favorite, even."

The dinner itself could be the announcement if the right fan in the right place at the right time with a cellphone camera notices them. Phil doesn't point that out again. Clint's clearly nervous about this. Arguing with him defeats the purpose.

"I doubt Fury's going to fire me over sleeping with you," Phil says reasonably. "He trusts me and there aren't many people who can say that. I might be sanctioned and have to take a leave for a time."

But leave SHIELD? Phil doubts that will happen. His reputation will take a hit, yes, because sleeping with an agent is unprofessional. There will be rumors around Clint too. It won't be clean.

"If he does fire me, I will probably agree to work for Stark even though the thought gives me heartburn," he says with a heavy sigh. "He's been trying to steal me for some time. Since California."

Fury is reasonable, sometimes. Lenient with those he likes, which isn't always great, but who is Clint to complain when Fury was someone who backed him, vouched for him, after Loki?

He can't see Phil working for Tony. Just...no. He'll still be SHIELD, yeah. Things will just probably be...a little different. "They'll reassign you. Or me. And you know how hard it was to get a handle on me the first time around."

He's much calmer these days. But it won't be the easiest transition.

"I'm just worried. About you."

"You will still be an Avenger and unless they want every Avenger up in arms they're going to keep me as a liaison between SHIELD and the Avengers." Again, Phil's sticking to the reasonable response. He knows SHIELD. It's been his life since he left the Rangers.

He reaches across the table and squeezes Clint's wrist. "There might be an official mark in my file. Maybe they threaten bumping my security clearance down. And maybe they force me to take unpaid leave for awhile. But they're not going to let me go."

Phil's confident and comfortable with that. He is ready to face the consequences of this relationship whatever they may be. As long as they don't cost him Clint. He wants to keep Clint fiercely.

He looks up at Phil, really looks, when his handler-partner reaches for him. Even if they couldn't still work together, somehow, Clint knows he'll still be able to fall back here, get the help and encouragement and debriefing, in a sense, that he needs. Phil's spent a long time getting to learn and understand what Clint needs. That's irreplaceable.

"And a next step, being public, that's what you want? You're good with everyone knowing?" It's a little terrifying to consider, actually. So much of his life now has been clandestine, and this most of all. He tries to mitigate that with a smirk and a joke. "You just wanna hold my hand everywhere we go so bad, you softie."

"Like you said I'm not saying we make a huge announcement," Phil says with a small smile. "But I would like to hold your hand in public. And flirt with you. And perhaps even do something entirely radical and kiss you."

He doubts that they'll be in any major way different from how they've always been. They won't fawn over each other or be overly physically affectionate. It's not in their nature just like pet names aren't in their nature.

"Do you think it'll change something between us?" he asks, curious if that's really what worried Clint.

"Gonna break a lot of hearts, taking Hawkeye off the market like that." Not that the tabloids will care, anyway. He'll be secretly dating the whole rest of the team within a month anyway.

"Won't it? Change something?" He gives a strained smile. "What we are is great. It works for us really well. Being more open and going to dinners and all, that does something different. Opens us up to being something a little more defined. Does that bother you? The lack of definition we've got?"

"What I would like is to stop wondering if I've crossed some unspoken line because I want to touch you while we're in public." Phil is thinking back to the moment in the tailor's. That hesitation, the questioning, Phil would really like that to stop.

"Or question that I want to treat you to a nice dinner out. We've been together, defined or not, for long enough that even if we haven't said it we're more than just casual." There are deep feelings here. Phil would have so many regrets if this relationship ended.

"If you don't want to label this, that's fine but other people will whether we like it or not. Especially if we're going on dates."

"I thought the line was pretty well spoken, until today." Clint frowns. He can read Phil pretty damn well by now, but even with his expertise, he misses the small details, the hidden ones. "Did I hurt you?"

"I think they were but the longer were together the more those lines blur for me, I guess." Phil squeezes Clint's wrist.

"No, you didn't. I thought I had made you uncomfortable, actually." He smiles a little bit. "You make very silly sometimes. In a good way."

"I'd like it. If we could just be us but everywhere, all the time. Obviously not the parts that would get us arrested in public." Roll it all into a lighter hearted joke.

"I think we'd have to renegotiate the lines, though. So we know where we stand for sure. And..." He hesitates, shakes his head. "I should know better than to ask and keep asking if you're sure. I don't really...date." Not very successfully, at least. And god, it's a little strange to actually say the word and to mean it. "Not a lot of...boyfriend history."

"I don't think our sex tape would be as popular as Stark's." More dry humor to keep things settled. They are still them even if they're taking another step forward in their relationship.

Phil brushes his thumb back and forth across Clint's knuckles because he can and finds it soothing for himself. "I don't think history matters too much. As long as we keep talking to each other, we should be fine. My previous relationships have usually ended because they figure out I'm not telling them everything."

And he can't because his previous relationships were all with civilians who didn't have the security clearance to know what he did. That's one thing Phil doesn't have to worry about. Clint generally knows exactly what he's working on because Clint's working on it too.

"And I'm not going to ask you to give up your bachelor apartment," he says, "I know you need space sometimes."

"If we ever start talking about moving in together, we're moving into one of the swanky stark tower floors and claiming it all for ourselves and pestering Jarvis at all hours."

But it's appreciated. They spend a lot of time together, for work and in bed, and it's cozy. But he does need space, needs to decompress on his own, stretch his wings as it were. The city feels too crowded sometimes.

"I don't know. We get on great. I'm just worried that if we escalate to something more, you're gonna see shit in me you don't like, or I'm gonna flake out and rabbit on you. Or that we might ruin what we've got already."

"I don't know if I can live with Stark." Phil frowns a little. It isn't that he doesn't like Stark. He sort of does like him a little bit. Spending all his time around Stark might change that though.

Phil doesn't consider himself clingy even though he does enjoy cuddling a lot. If Clint says he needs some time alone then he needs time alone. He doesn't worry Clint won't come back. He always does.

"Is there a side of you I haven't seen in all the years we've known each other?" Because they've known each other longer than they've been sleeping together. "I know how much of a bastard you can be. I remember when you first came in. And if you feel like you need to run then okay."

Because he will never demand Clint be with him. "I would try to talk you out of it. I care about you so much and I wouldn't let you go easily but if you really decided you were done with me then okay."

A furrow forms between his brows, and he pulls away. Ostensibly to clean up. He knows it'll look like the retreat that it is as he pads into the kitchen. "Okay," echoing the word.

And it just doesn't sit well. Yes, Phil will put in an effort to keep him, but it doesn't sound like much, especially when he knows that if he decides to leave--it won't be because of Phil. It'll be because of himself. Do either of them think it at all likely that Clint will ever just get sick of Phil and just want to end it?

And the fact that he can't see a way of this ending that in any way has to do with him being done with Phil should say a lot, right? That he's just as serious about this.

"You know this doesn't end well, right?" Said in the direction of the countertop. "Job like this, one of us is gonna meet some messy end. And I'm a lot of work. Wouldn't want it to feel like all that effort could go to waste."

"That's been a risk since we started sleeping together," Phil points out. "That's been a risk since we actually started being friends. I know what could happen."

And that's always been there. Phil's aware the risks Clint takes have gotten more intense because of the Avengers too. He's fighting things that he was never really trained to fight.

He stands and crosses to him, rubbing a hand gently against the small of his back. "Time with you has never been a waste. I want whatever time we get."

Clint has to be willing to take that risk with him. That's all Phil's asking him to do. He doesn't have to change or be whomever he thinks Phil should want. Phil wants what he has with a few more perks like a hug after a hard won fight. Or sit next to him when the Avengers hang out.

"Don't let Stark give my euology. He'll make it about himself, somehow. You and Rogers, you'll talk like soldiers, gun salute and everything, so you guys are out. Probably gotta be Nat."

This is not the time or the place for that. Remember to breathe.

Breathe in. Give Phil a quick glance out of the corner of his eye, back again. "Okay." Breathe out.

"Do we wanna save all the PDA for dinner? On our first official date?"

"I'll let the janitor who cleans my office give your euology before Stark says a word." Phil leans in and presses a gentle kiss against the side of Clint's head. Maybe they're being too casual about this but this is the reality of their lives.

The okay is a good sign. Clint will still be worried. Until he has proof that he doesn't need to be worried.

"I say we play it by ear. If the opportunity arises and we both want to..." Phil shrugs. It's hard to say right now when they're just talking about it for the first time. It's exciting and scary. He understands.

"Like walking down the street." Holding hands. "Or cluing in your tailor, if he hasn't gotten the gist already." More touching without any heed to who sees.

And getting to do that all the time, whenever they want.

He turns enough to face Phil. "Any lines we shouldn't cross here?"

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