fucky feelings for cuttingremark

[brandingproblem]

(from here)

He keeps his word. He doesn't tell anyone where Loki's hiding out, powerless. Even though he should. At the very least, Thor deserves to know, and when he inevitably finds out, Clint is going to accept whatever anger the thunder god levels at him.

Steve's gone, Tony's dead, Nat's dead, Bruce is...happy and content with his life and doesn't deserve that dropped on him frankly. So. That's all the OG crew accounted for. The new crew would obviously have heard about Loki, but that's not the same as actually being present fighting him or his forces. That Scott guy doesn't count, either. Like, would they do something? Maybe not if he hasn't actually done anything and doesn't pose a threat.

NYPD might have a few choice words, but. Clint tries very hard not to get noticed by the local LEOs if he can help it. Loki isn't really their jurisdiction, and SHIELD is...more or less out of commission even though it still works in the shadows, where Fury and Hill are. Wherever they are.

Which doesn't mean Loki gets of scot free. If he is up to something, then it's up to Clint to suss it out. Clint's mess, as ever. If Loki really is as powerless as it seems, there are still plenty of other ways he could fuck around and cause trouble. So. His responsibility.

It's definitely not whatever lingering connection of magic that binds their minds, not telepathy, not even really empathy, but still. A connection. It might have been severed long ago, but it's as Loki implied: you don't come out of that, something that strong and strange and otherworldly, and not have there be something that remains behind. Therapy has been all well and good. He isn't angry about it, not really, and he doesn't get nightmares the way he used to, after. But also, he's not sure it prepared him for Loki being in his life again. Not just a passing glance, either.

It jumbles everything up. The same type of traitorous thought that had him pondering Loki's sleeping habits and the absurd thought of touching crops up whenever he's near. Something damn near affectionate, something starved. Something that's in Loki, too, and it makes him feel sick. Makes him feel wanting. Which makes him feel sicker.

His eyes might be clear, but his mind feels clouded. Not a great way to show up at the apartment, but he can't just let this pass by without checking in on Loki. That's most of the reason he takes these trips back to NYC in the first place. Occasionally check in on Avengers-y things, see how the cleanup of the compound is up north, catch up with a few people he actually knows. But. It's about Loki.

It's always been fucking about Loki, huh.

He raps on the door, drinks nestled in a holder. Hot tea for Loki, a spiced blend, cloves, cinnamon. Makes him think of wintertime. Makes him think of the spicy and complicated (former?) god. Coffee for himself. Peace offering.

Comments

[cuttingremark]

"It is possible seeing each other again triggered something. Like opening up on old scar." Loki's voice is steady, but his hands are just a bit more clumsy than normal. He attempts to pull a pot out of an upper cabnit, only to have the handle catch on something and slip from his grip. It clatters to the counter, then down to the floor with a series of noises loud enough to wake the dead.

Loki curses, but does not move to pick it up immediately. Instead he presses the heels of his palms against his closed eyes. Apparently Clint isn't the only one having some issue with fraying nerves.

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There's something to be said about these scars not being ones he ever wanted to reopen, but then there's the clatter and crash. He's halfway out of his seat, part startled, part...wanting to help? Probably that. But. That also would require getting closer to Loki. Who is having a time.

He sits back down. Takes a breath. Okay. Part of this is on him.

"I'm sorry. That I sprung the choking on you. I don't... You get it. Neither of us knew what we were doing. Just doing."

[cuttingremark]

"I understand, I..." Loki lets out a heavy breath, hands moving from his eyes up into his hair as he looks at Clint for the first time since he re-entered the apartment.

"Thank you. People don't normally...apologize to me."

[brandingproblem]

"Yeah, well, you had a reaction, and you had every right to. I normally...wouldn't. Do that. Without talking about it first anyway." But now is probably not the time to get into kinks! Especially if their ~connection~ or whatever the fuck they're gonna call it means they ignore everything logical and sensible.

"Here's a stupid question." Ask stupid questions, get stupid answers! "How honest should we be right now? How...open, do you think?"

Yes, ask the god of liars who prefers to go with snark and talking around issues that. But Loki's hands going into his hair gives Clint a very profound urge to get his own hands in there, threading through, petting, tugging. And he is not going to act on that. But wonders if he should bring it up.

[cuttingremark]

They can talk about kinks later once they get this figured out

Loki lets out a hollow, almost feral laugh. "You're asking me, ME, how honest we should be with each other?" He shakes his head. "The world has truly gone mad."

Or maybe just the two of them. Loki grips his hair just a little tighter wishing they were not his own before his hands drop down and he bends to retrieve the fallen pan.

"Honesty would likely be in our best interest, but I have a feeling it will be supremely uncomfortable for the both of us. Shall we agree on a trade? One truth for another, so neither feels the other is gaining more than they are giving."

[brandingproblem]

"I know, believe me, I know." That honesty with them, with Loki, is like drawing water from a stone. But they've been honest, forced to be honest, and that...means something. Doesn't it?

He slouches in his seat, arms on the counter, chin resting on his arms. Glances at Loki, glances away. "A truth is that right now, I would really like getting my hands in your hair, now that you've drawn attention to it."

[cuttingremark]

Loki keeps moving as Clint talks: set the pan on the counter, bend down to get a pot for the pasta, take the pot to the sink to fill it with-

His hand freezes halfway to the tap. Turning to look at the other would be dangerous right now with the blush that forces it's way onto Loki's face at the thought of those dexterous fingers tangled in his hair, petting, pulling. He clears his throat.

"That is a problem, because I would very much like your hands in my hair." Loki stays frozen in place. He made the first move on the couch, he can't be the one to make the first move here as well.

[brandingproblem]

"I figured."

He could fix that. He could come right over and tangle his fingers in and kiss Loki deeply, kiss his neck and not choke this time. But. That would be giving into this. That would be...bad. And food will never get made.

Clint stays very still where he is.

"I should go."

He doesn't move.

[cuttingremark]

"Probably." He stays so still, like a deer caught in the gaze of a predator.

Or an oncoming truck.

"But would that make you feel better, or worse?"

[brandingproblem]

"Distance from you is going to eventually clear my head. Hopefully." Okay, so, face in his arms instead. Don't even risk looking at Loki right now.

"It didn't, not really. Not while I was home. I don't know who I'm kidding. But if we start, do you think we're actually going to stop?"

[cuttingremark]

"Except neither of us can be assured distance from each other." Okay, he can do this. Water on, fill the pot. "Unless you turn me in, that is. There's always the chance we run into each other and end up back at square one."

Move the pot to the stove. Turn on the induction burner.

"Probably not. At least I won't. My self control has never been that good." It's a terrible thing to say, likely what will end up pushing Clint away, but they made a deal for honesty.

[brandingproblem]

"We'd have distance if you stay here and I go home and fucking stay there and not visit by way of making sure you're not being a bad guy who needs an arrow in the eye. If I go, then all we have to do is deal with occasional weird cravings. We can do that, right? That's easy enough. Maybe a little therapy, or magical therapy, can help. I don't know."

[cuttingremark]

"Can you stay away?" Salt the water. "You didn't even know I was here the first time."

Cutting board, knife, bacon. Shit, is a knife a good idea right now? "And where exactly would I get therapy without revealing who I am?"

[brandingproblem]

"That was on you. You pulled me out of an alley and tended to me and played nurse. You could have left me."

Or maybe he couldn't have. Maybe that's the real point here. He sits up with a groan. Yes, Loki has a point, but also, therapy might not be something that works with this. Does he get in touch with Strange? Wanda, maybe? Wanda's good with mental shit.

"What's the fucking play here, Loki? If we get something started, we might not be able to stop, and where does that leave us? Til one of us crosses a line and hurts the other, and then, what, give some space until coming back again for more?"

[cuttingremark]

Loki groans in frustration, slamming the knife down on the cutting board and whipping around to finally look at Clint.

"I don't know! I don't know what to do about this! There aren't exactly instructionals for how to handle being scared by an infinity stone, most don't survive their encounters long enough to start jotting notes! And even if I did, it would likely require magic to fix, which I will remind, you I don't have at the moment!" He thinks briefly of Strange, but he only met the sorcerer for a few brief moments and can't be sure the man wouldn't turn him over to the authorities.

Or worse, call Thor.

[brandingproblem]

"Then we get someone who knows magic! Let's talk to Strange, he might point us in the right direction so long as we don't get too handsy we stop paying attention. Or tell your people you're still alive, see if there's anything anyone in New Asgard can do! Are you that afraid of existing again?"

[cuttingremark]

"YES!" Loki's voice has a desperate note, like someone pleading for his life rather than the opposite. "Because it means I can stop existing again!"

He's breathing heavy now, his heart hammering loudly like he's in a fight or running a great distance.

"I can't go to Strange. He'll just lock me up, and I will NOT be caged again."

[brandingproblem]

"Existing's better than not, isn't it? I don't know how or why you're back, but at least you're back, and unless you wanna take yourself out again, you have to just deal with being here again, okay?"

But then, it must really be heavy on Loki's mind.

"Look, it's not gonna lock you up, not if I vouch for you. You haven't done anything. In over ten years, anyway."

[cuttingremark]

"Last time we met, he tossed me into an eternal fall for over half an hour before we'd even laid eyes on each other. So forgive me for being skeptical."

Loki takes a deep breath, closing his eyes in an effort to calm his heart rate. It's been a while since he'd felt like this, probably not since Frigga died.

[brandingproblem]

"...I'm not gonna do it," Clint declares suddenly. "I'm not gonna be your calming influence, your emotional support animal, because then I'm never leaving your side. I have a life, and--"

Clint stops, very suddenly, a deeply contemplative look on his face.

[cuttingremark]

"And I don't want that. I don't want to be tethered to you, but here we are! I want-" What he's about to say is 'for you to bend me over this counter and fuck me so hard I can't walk tomorrow,' but Clint's expression makes him pause.

"I'm not sure if that look should concern me or not."

[brandingproblem]

"I don't want to have to keep coming out here to check on you. You want to be a secret nobody knows where you are. Family's moved before, after the Ultron thing, so we keep a low profile. You could..." He spreads his hands. "I wouldn't put you up in the house, but barn's got a hayloft that would be an easy conversion."

[cuttingremark]

Well that takes him right out of the image of being pounded mercilessly by the archer.

"...Odin's beard, you're serious. Would you honestly be okay with ME essentially living with your family? Your children? Nevermind your feelings on the matter, what about your wife? Even if she would agree to this, how are you going to explain why we're constantly moments away from violently making out?"

[brandingproblem]

"Would I be okay with it, no, of course not! But it's an option. I really don't...I don't know what the solution is except me walking out that door and never, ever seeing you again."

[cuttingremark]

Loki groans in frustration, turning back to the bacon and cutting board.

"I'm going to coot us dinner. We will go to Strange in the morning." His hands are much more steady now as he chops the bacon. "After he tells us there's nothing he can do and you somehow convince him to not chuck me in a hell dimension, we will maybe entertain the idea of me coming to ruin your idyllic family life with my presence."