brandingproblem | open post

It sounds very nice, actually, because it means Clint will be around to nag him.

"I need less distance between us," Phil answers honestly. "I know you're not okay and I won't expect you to keep me company all the time but an hour or two. Have dinner with me. Just so I know you're still here."

Because for a long time Phil's world did not have Clint in it and he had to make plans not just for that world but how to take Clint out. It brought a new perspective to their relationship and Phil's feelings.

His heart feels like it leaps into his throat, and he has to swallow it back down as Phil goes on so that he can have some semblance of being collected when he formulates some kind of response.

"You're not exactly fine, either. I know this can't have been easy for you, and I'm not talking about getting stabbed." He huffs out a breath. "But I'm back, and I'm here. Even if it took me too long to check in on you myself."

"I'm alive."

Which feels like a miracle. Loki meant to stab him through the chest. Loki meant to kill him. Sometimes Phil lies awake at night and thinks about what might have happened if he hadn't seen the glint.

Phil smiles, somewhat cautiously. "I like it when you're here."

And because he likes that fact Phil rubs his hand against Clint's arm. "I'm going to sit down." Because he can see Clint worrying about him and Clint has enough to worry about right now.

They can be alive and not okay together, sometimes. Or. Maybe they could do it all the time. If he can get out of his own ass, maybe.

There's some humor and relief in his voice, though. "Thank you. Don't worry, I remember how you take your coffee, and I'll bring it right over." It'll give him something to do, for all of two seconds. The pot's about done. He fishes out mugs--yes, there's at least one mug in the cupboard that is designated as Clint's--and sets to the brief task.

Tries not to think of every reason Phil should have to kick him to the curb.

"If you need any help while I'm here, just say the word."

Phil settles back onto the couch slowly and carefully with only a hint of a groan. His side pulls uncomfortably until he adjusts so that it's mildly annoying instead of uncomfortable.

There could be more of Clint's things here if Clint would let himself. Phil leans his head back and listens to Clint puttering around in the kitchen. It's nice to know he's here.

"I'm terrible at asking for help," he says like they both don't know that. Phil is used to taking care of everyone else, not so much himself. "But give me a minute and I can think of something."

Clint frowns to himself. It isn't like he's never heard Phil in pain before, but still... Ah, it's going to suck to be on the other side of this after all, huh?

Schools himself into pleasantness. Of course he's happy to be with his boyfriend. To be here. With someone he cares about, that he's been worried sick about when he's had the time to let himself be distracted with things like that. The awkward discomfort will pass. It's surely just the guilt nibbling at him.

"Careful, it's hot," he says completely unnecessarily when he comes out with two mugs of coffee, handing one to Phil. And he'll take the other side of the couch. Or at least, perch on the edge of the couch, like he's about to jump up again at any moment. In case Phil thinks of something. Obviously. "Are you taking your meds? Getting checked on frequently? Keeping your workload to a minimum?" Since obviously Phil will never just give up work. Even when he should.

"I hope it's hot," he says dryly as he takes the mug. He wraps both his hands around it because the warmth is nice and it keeps him from reaching for Clint. He's sitting like he's unsure if he's welcome and Phil's not sure if touch would settle him or send him running.

"I'm taking my meds." The important ones, antibiotics and mild painkillers. He's not taking the strongest ones until the pain really gets bad. "And if I was missing my appointments with SHIELD medical Natasha would have sent you sooner to bully me into going."

Phil sighs softly. "I work until Fury catches me in the system and blocks my access."

Because Fury wants him to rest but Phil wants to help. They fight about it a lot.

"Sounds like he should hire on Stark to block you out entirely." Not that he's for sale or for hire. Stark's got opinions on that, and on Fury, and on SHIELD. Not all of them unfounded. "But I get it. If you can do some work from the couch to keep your brain occupied so you don't rot it all on your reality tv, then obviously you're gonna do it. Beats being me and trying to go do stuff physically when I really shouldn't."

"Stark is mad at the entire military industrial complex," Phil says with a sigh. He doesn't blame Stark. After everything that happened to him it's easy to understand why he has trust issues with organizations like SHIELD.

That does not make him less annoying to deal with. It's worse because somehow Phil's come to like him. It's probably the smart mouth and insecurity issues. He likes smart mouths and insecurity issues.

He gives up and lays his hand on Clint's knee. "I'm simply organizing operations and assets to where they're most needed. It's not even that tiring. I do more work for international ops."

Is he whining? Just a little bit.

He gives a quick glance at that hand, at the normalcy of it all, and then back up at Phil. Clint keeps his own hands wrapped around the mug, warm and solid.

"He might just be trying to convince you to take it easy since you never take any damn vacations. Relaxing is supposed to be good for you. Refresh the body and soul and turn off the brain for a bit. Hell, maybe I'll take some leave when it feels safer to do so."

They won't ever be truly normal but Phil tries to keep the little things. The little things matter the most.

"I don't know if I could take a vacation." He makes a face at the idea. "It would last ten minutes before something happened that would call me back in."

He sips his coffee, thumb idly stroking back and forth. He's not even aware he's doing it. "Maybe you should after you're fully cleared and things are settled. Take the time to clear your head some more."

"They've got other agents and analysts and handlers, Phil. Take a vacation. Breathe some fresh air without there being a crisis to handle. Maybe I'm not the only one that needs to clear his head." Or maybe he's making some big assumptions. But not as big as what he takes a breath to say next.

"We could do it together."

He looks over at Clint, just a little surprised. Pleased, though, and he's certain that shows in his eyes more than the surprise.

"Where do you want to go?" he asks, turning slightly to face Clint more fully.

A vacation with Clint could be better than the few vacations he's taken in his career. Usually, he ended up somewhere quiet and caught up on bad tv and books he'd been meaning to read. Cooking too. He cooked. And wondered about work.

Not very exciting for a vacation.

"I don't know." He's been around the world. Plenty of fun, sexy places they could go. Plenty of quiet, calm places, too. He shrugs, sips his coffee. The destination wouldn't really matter. Might be nice to get out of the city, though. But even still...

"Could always just stay here and spend time together that way."

Phil considers for a moment. "There's a vacation cabin on Lake Michigan," he says, tapping one finger against the side of his mug. "It's technically a former SHIELD safe house but hasn't been used for that in a while. It's small and quiet."

Phil's not sure what condition the cabin is in these days. But it's an idea for a vacation. Not a bad one. Just him, Clint and quiet. He hasn't been fishing in awhile.

Maybe Clint could show him how to use a bow.

"Okay. We'll wait for you to be healed up, and then...just let me know, I guess. Take time off together." He'd say time to catch up, but in theory they should have plenty of time for that in the interim. "Is that being here enough for you? Vacation getaway where you'll have me all to yourself for a week or however long?"

"I intend to keep you naked and have you hand feed me grapes in the meantime," he says dryly. "Or maybe a nurse's uniform with a short skirt."

After everything Clint had been forced to do Phil does feel a little uncomfortable with the idea of Clint looking after him. He needs to look after himself or let someone care for him.

"Yes, having you here is enough for me. I can't carry my laundry basket down to the machines." It's annoying how much he can't do even though he's been stitched back together and he's healing.

"You buy me a costume, I'll dress up as whatever you want me to when it's just us in our cabin hideout. Until then, you'll just have to deal with my drop-ins in my normal people clothes." Whenever he shows up. To be present. He rocks to his feet at the mention of a chore that needs doing.

Because it's useful. He can be of use. Even if it's just in little ways. Being effectively on leave himself has been actually really shitty in terms of needing things to do with himself, even as distraction. "I'll take care of it. Hell, give me a list of chores, I can make sure shit gets done."

"If you wear those dark wash jeans when you visit I can be patient." Phil smiles a little, glad to see Clint's playing along a little bit. He's trying and Phil appreciates that. It's not easy to come back from what Clint went through.

He is still unsure about making Clint do things for him but he seems to need to feel useful.

"There's only a few things I haven't been trying to do myself." Because he has been doing as much as he can by himself. He hates being useless.

He is, frankly, trying very hard to not fuck this up. None of this is easy, for either of them. It's...not fine, exactly, but it could be worse, right? It could always be worse.

"Good, means you're still sometimes reasonable when it comes to your own limits. I'm gonna be right back and take of that laundry. Then you don't have to worry about a thing."

Phil will worry, just about Clint, he's sure.

"Don't forget the laundry card in my wallet."

One day, Phil dreams of having a place with his own washing machine and dryer. That would be really nice right now. Phil had been close to taking his laundry down piece by piece.

"When you come back I want to talk about why you won't kiss me." Because they should've done that by now. At least a small one. Yes, he's feeling needy and he's blushing a little about it but he's going to say it.

Clint freezes. And he hates that he freezes, because it means he can't fully deny anything or brush it off as nothing to talk about at all. "Who said anything about 'won't'?" Sip coffee. Be casual. "Don't worry about a thing. Be back before you know it."

So it's an escape. So sue him. Spent a little time together, have plans to spend more time together than they have in what feels like an age, acknowledge they're both some form of fucked up (even if Phil seems fine, so far, even if waiting for the other shoe to drop), and it'll all work out in the end. He can escape so long as Phil lets him, because it's still something he needs help with, and it would've gotten done one way or another.

But if he spends a little extra time away than strictly needed, well. It's fine. Even if he feels bad about it. It won't kill either of them.

Phil suspects Clint will kiss him when he comes back just to be a stubborn asshole and prove nothing is wrong. When clearly something is. He didn't miss the way Clint went tense for a second.

Still, Phil might just take it.

But they've been through these rough patches before. Phil worries sometimes about the propriety of what they're doing. Clint worries he's going to ruin things by being himself. They're a mess but they do better together. They've always been better together.

He sighs to himself and waits patiently for Clint to come back.

He does eventually come back. With fresh, folded laundry. And? Fresh donuts as well. As recompense.

"Just call me your housemaid. Got anything else that needs doing? I'll be a handyman all day long so long as it makes you comfy. Pretty sure I remember where all your clothes go, too, so I can put all that away, and then...whatever else you need."

"Once you put that away can we please talk?" Phil watches him, frowning slightly. "If you say no or try to avoid it I will get up and follow you."

Because he's a stubborn bastard and refuses to let this awkwardness go unaddressed for long. He might have given Clint more time if he had come sooner.

There are some things he wants that Clint can't give him right now so they need to sort that out.

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