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"Weren't you just claiming to trust me?" There's a gentle prod and tease in there, amusement even, but he missed none of the physical response. He's not surprised by it. He did like it.

"Yeah, and I'm trusting you not to rip my throat out," he retorts, with full knowledge that's not what Steve meant. "Yet." It would be insanely easy for the super soldier to get a hand around him and squeeze with so little effort.

Steve's care and control are astonishing when thought about for more than a second. Clint's got fine control down to an art, and Steve blows him right out of the water about it. Letting go on the battlefield is one thing, seems effortless, but in treating a lot of the rest of his life like everything is fragile, because in comparison, it is, it's...wow. Steve did a number on him, and it was all calculated very carefully to not do too much damage, enough superficial stuff to hurt deep but nowhere that would overly hinder him. Cracked ribs because Clint can take it, but nothing that would need immediate medical attention. And succeeding in doing exactly as planned while Clint only had to hold back with a weapon in hand? Wow.

"You know exactly what you're doing. Even when you think you don't know what you're doing." He gives Steve a friendly pat on the thigh, like a non-verbal 'good job'.

"Mm." He sounds unimpressed and unconvinced, but in a blatantly false way that says he's not really offended about it, or bothered by it. There's a point it's just sense, and he does recognize that Clint's not physically afraid of him.

He drops his ankle over one of Clint's when Clint pats his thigh, and then sort of gently thumps his chest with one thumb. "Throat just feels more vulnerable. It's not actually by much."

That's creepy Steve. Except he's completely relaxed, breathing easily (easier than he was), enjoying the weight against him and the level of trust on display.

Still kind of wishes he had a fight he could throw himself at, but Steve and release that way aren't a thing, and it's twisted around into just enjoying the self-control and people trusting him.

That's deliberate. That's calmly and casually testing boundaries. A little more trapping Clint to see if that's okay. To see if he freezes up, if he lashes out, if he runs, if he asks to back off like a normal person would do. He doesn't say anything about it. Doesn't run, either, or lash out. So.

"Speak for yourself. Throat's a good target for a bullet or an arrow. Blade of any kind. Lotta people don't protect it the way they do other parts. It's just a smaller target than a lot of people aim for."

If it's creepy, it doesn't register to Clint. Who does, in all fairness, some creepy shit himself. He isn't in the slightest bit listening to the show. It barely even registers.

"If you didn't already throw me around, and I wasn't still feeling some kind of good about it," because he does, even if the tension still gets thick, it still feels like a warm if awful glow under his skin, "I'd have you pin me down again. Maybe not by the throat." Or maybe by the throat. Hm.

That is exactly what Steve is doing -- because he has decided that he and Clint trying to talk things out mostly just leads to them going in circles.

Circles at best, a downward spiral that heads straight down the drain at worst.

"It's a smaller target that I'm gonna aim for, that's for sure." He doesn't have that kind of precision. Also: if he's going to take a hit he'd rather it be a kill shot or somewhere that doesn't have him swallowing his own blood while he tries to heal - or actually does.

Clint staying relaxed against him means Steve stays put, too. Clint staying in the conversational part, in fact upping the ante on it? Tells him as much (or more) than a discussion about desires and boundaries would have, anyway.

"I dunno. Pinned down by the throat and exhausting yourself all over again seems like one way to get solid sleep. Would hurt like crazy. Wouldn't actually cause new injury." That's an offer.

Clint swallows and lets that offer sit in his mind. They've already passed the trust exercise as far as violence goes. It's this, the tenderness, that is really tripping them up. Or just him, maybe. He would absolutely trust Steve to do that. Does he need it?

Deep breath in, enough to press the ribs out, and deep breath back out. Another pat. Just seems casual and figuratively safe that way. "Let's settle in like this for a bit first, okay? Put a pin in it."

"It doesn't come with an expiration date," he says, easily. More easily and more legitimately comfortable than he's been.

He is starting to think one of them here is a lot more comfortable with this kind of thing than the other, and maybe just this once the one who's more okay with it (and in their skin) is him.

Also starting to think Clint being offered this instead of going out and chasing it down in really dangerous ways is new.

It might be just that it's Steve, in both cases, and god knows he's been wrong more than once. In the past 24 hours, even. "This is nice." Proof of life, weight and warmth? Not a consolation prize. It is legitimately good.

"Pin in it it is then." For later. Some other time. Pinned down with nowhere to go, in danger but never actually in danger, able to struggle and exhaust himself and be safe the entire time.

This, too, is safe. And he has to remember that. That's less to do with Steve and more to do with the situation, this softness, this intimacy. He used to do this. With people he loves. Hold and be held. Casual, good, close, physical contact that relaxes, or excites in all the right ways.

It's been an age. It's been a lifetime. It's been--a whole other person who experienced that. He's not even entirely sure where to put his hands anymore, so he lays one along Steve's leg and the other on top of the hand on his chest. "Yeah. It's nice."

Steve keeps his eyes closed, his head tipped back and one hand on Clint's chest. The other one finally settling on Clint's thigh. Breathing and pulse so even and slow, even deep, they actually suggest sleep.

He's not asleep. He even listens to whatever is on the television. He can follow most of it.

"Of all the shit the serum changed with me, the only one I resent is not needing normal amounts of sleep. Used to be not being able to get drunk. That one I got over. This one was old about two weeks in."

It's not uncomfortable. It's not frightening. It is nice. That might be why it feels like it hurts the way it does. A subtle ache in his heart rather than his chest. But it's one he'll endure. This isn't so bad. It's just echoes of things from before.

"If this is you saying you really want to take the couch tonight cuz you aren't gonna really sleep anyway..." Joke. Joking. Mostly. "Guess you're not worried this is a dream, huh."

"Nope." He's not worried it's a dream - this is way nicer than either of their dreams, he's sure - and he's not worried he's going to forget it. The way Clint's heart feels beating against his palm is... quite possibly the best, most reassuring, thing he can even imagine right now.

"You should let me take the couch tonight, though, otherwise you're going to have a hard time walking tomorrow, much less moving at speed."

Stiff. All he means is Clint's going to stiffen up overnight and more so if he's sleeping in cramped conditions.

"Unless you wanna share the bed again. But you might get bored with all that sleep you don't need." He finds himself, in this zone of comfort, idly rubbing his thumb over Steve's hand. Like this is normal. Like this isn't going to vanish in a puff of smoke soon, because he can't have this be normal.

"'s okay. If you need to be up and about and doing something. I'm probably gonna sleep like the dead after what today's been."

"If I hadn't figured out how to lay still with my eyes shut, somebody would have taken my head off seventy years ago." There's a slight smile with that one. "As long as I've got something to pay attention to, I'm good. You breathing counts, though I know that might get weird if you think about it too much."

Steve isn't even aware when he picks up the rhythm of Clint's thumb on his hand and echos it with his thumb on Clint's thigh.

He is 100% willing to let this be normal. It feels more normal for him than anything has in years. Knows that's not the case for Clint and that's... heartbreaking, but a thing he can accept.

Edited 2024-11-18 23:27 (UTC)

"You know I'm gonna think about it too much, but I don't think that's as weird as you're worried about. You've said and done much weirder."

No he will not elaborate at this time, weirdo.

It isn't like Clint's not at the top of weird mountain in his own right. They can be weird, and they can be it together, and for a few short odd days, they can exist and not fucking judge each other. It's a trip trying to come around to the fact that Steve gives a shit about him, not the things he does or why he does them.

So then why does it feel like such an act of bravery? When he tips his head further back, cranes to try and catch a glimpse of his teammate's face. "Steve?" It doesn't stutter, but it's quiet, soft. He wants to bolt, run and fight something until everything gives out, but he's determined to allow himself to be vulnerable in this softness and warmth. Even if he might not be much to look at at this angle, bruising on his face from the busted but not broken nose, the bags under his eyes from the stress if not the uneven sleep he must get.

It feels like an act of bravery because it is one. Because reaching out at all, being vulnerable, letting any kind of intimacy happen at all is already brave.

And Clint looks vulnerable when Steve opens his eyes and tilts his head enough to the side and down to see him, but he also looks like himself, and present, in a way that makes Steve's chest hurt, but with the sort of ache he can embrace.

He has no idea what Clint is asking for though, or at least not really. So aside from brushing one particularly dark bruise with his thumb he just tilts his head and makes a questioning noise.

Whatever Clint wants enough to ask for with this, though? Steve's going to let him be brave, but anything in his power to give Clint? He will give Clint.

It's hard to know the words to ask for what he wants. Because he feels small and kind of stupid and vulnerable in a way that he needed to strike down and smother in order to do what he does. Steve touches him in ways that always catches him off guard. He swallows. "Could you..." Get it out. "Just for a little bit, if you could...just..."

He huffs at himself more than anything and decides to take action. Action's always better, always easier. He tucks his face closer to Steve's chest again and takes one of those hands on him and brings it up. Fingers to his hairline, or nails to his scalp. He does want that gentle petting sensation. But it's so hard to actually try and describe it, to go 'hey can you pet my hair', because that sounds so dumb to his ears even if, just a few years ago, he might've done that easily enough.

It's a small thing. It's incredibly small and feels silly to feel so vulnerable. But it's there. He supposes if anyone were going to get it, it might be Steve.

He waits it out, with no judgement but an admittedly slightly confused expression. That Clint is having a hard time spelling it out is clear, but what Clint wants isn't.

Until Clint shows him.

"With pleasure." No amusement, no mocking, no judgement. Some (and more than a little) relief. That he understands and that Clint asked. He adjusts his position to be able to get into a position where he can reach support Clint's position and still reach his hair, and does that.

With pleasure.

Slow, steady, and letting his nails drag just a little against Clint's scalp. Focuses on the rhythm and the way it feels to him, too.

He can't help the little shudder of pure relief. How good that feels, how right, how much it simply feels good and warm and familiar and safe. He can listen to the soap opera and listen to Steve's heart and breathing and simply be.

The guilt is something that threatens to come crushing in. The loneliness is likely to quickly follow suit. He can feel them at the edges, clawing at the doors.

Just breathe. Sink deep into feeling just the sensations and only that. Cling to this like a liferaft. Part of him does want to switch their positions at some point, distantly, so he can have the excuse to hold someone in turn in a way that's also familiar, but right now this is something that a part of him clearly needed desperately.

Steve very gradually and slowly changes position just enough to make sure they're both in a position they can stay in, and that makes sure there's enough contact between them that Clint can continue to feel him breathe.

Then slowly leans his head back again, closes his eyes and finds a rhythm of sliding his fingers through Clint's hair that matches his breathing. Lets his nails drag lightly across skin while he does and just holds onto Clint and flat out pets him.

Steve almost wants to cry when Clint shudders, though he doesn't. There's a lot of relief for him in this, too. Because he can absolutely be rough, and provide physical and precise pain - but this is better. Not a thought in his head on the 'favor' being 'returned' - that falls into the realm of so long gone he's completely given up on having it - but this? Hurts, feels normal and right, and also feels really fucking good.

And he will do it until hell freezes or there's some sign to stop or change gears and direction.

Steve's good at this. Just existing in the moment and letting the time go by slow and easy. Clint can see a universe where he falls into this rhythm and lets himself be pet and cradled into another sleep.

He won't let that happen this time. It's a comfort, and also he's distinctly aware of every single touch and every shift in Steve's position. He has to be aware, because if he lets himself drift, he might be able to imagine different fingers running through his hair, could let himself let Mexico fall away and be somewhere else far from here. And if he drifts in that direction, he'll hurt so bad that he won't know what to do with himself.

Here he only needs to exist and be present. Present here, in this moment, with Steve.

This moment stretches on for a while. At least long enough for the show to change at some point. And then Clint pushes himself to sit up, breaking the flow of things. Has to blink a few times, to stretch himself out and shake off a feeling almost like settled dust. There is a yawning pit inside him longing for something he can never have, and a few drops poured down into it can't fix it. But maybe a few stolen moments like this can temporarily ease it.

It feels complicated, somehow, in its simplicity, and he doesn't particularly feel like examining that right now. Would prefer to keep guilt at bay as long as he can. He half-turns to Steve. Who is not asleep, he knows. "Thanks." Because it feels right to say. "You good?"

Steve is good at sitting still and using what amount to simple meditative techniques (not that he knows that) and external focal points to keep his brain from running away with him -- and/or just repress and keep a lid on himself, depending. This, at least, was the former.

He lets go of Clint the second he moves, and waits for him to sit up before he actually moves himself. Even then it's just to reach back and push (in a controlled way) against the headboard and stretch his back out. He gives an inelegant but satisfied grunt when his spine cracks between his shoulder blades and then rolls onto his side.

If he has any problem letting the moment end or is shaken by the moment having happened it doesn't show, though he doesn't bother to sit up or get up.

"Just fine. Thinking it's gonna be a quiet evening and day tomorrow, but I might actually get that sketch finished in the meanwhile. Or start something new. Might wander out and buy crayons to entertain myself with." What? Not like he's got weapon maintenance to do. Also not complaining about it.

"I'm gonna do some last minute recon." Like, right now, immediately, once he pulls his shoes on and his hoodie and all that good stuff. So give him a minute here. It might look more like running away, and maybe it's a little bit that. A smidge of that.

But he does look at Steve first. "If you...still wanna share space, we could try and share the bed. Could big spoon you. If you want held in return." Or if Clint wants to do some holding. He might want that. But asking for things is hard enough; apparently asking for the petting really took it out of him. "Or if you just wanna stay up and draw or...whatever. Let me know."

Clint's running away and Steve is... not as bothered by it as he could be. Afraid Clint's going to get into some manner of trouble? Sure. Worried Clint's not going to come back? No, albeit primarily currently for reasons amounting to all of Clint's stuff being here.

Besides, he at least sort of gets it. He's introducing all sorts of complications and conflict here. He isn't sorry for it, but he does recognize it. Clint can't do what he's been doing and be just a weapon or just furious and violent with Steve here, and especially not with what they've been doing.

"I'll be here when you get back," he says, sitting up slowly on the edge of the bed. There is a flicker of pure, uncomplicated confusion at the suggestion that he might want to be held - overt in the same way somebody speaking a foreign language he doesn't understand would be - but it doesn't hang around too long. "And I'm good with sharing the bed and you being the big spoon for a while." Whether he'll sleep or not, how long, if he'll stay down for the night, he doesn't know. He's not turning down Clint breathing at his back though.

The comfort clears his head, and now he has to clear his head from clearing his head. That doesn't make sense, does it? But it's how Clint feels in a way that he would be hard pressed at best to put into words.

The confusion makes him hesitate. Like he's done something wrong. Screwed something up again. But there's nothing behind it, just...a little confused. God, join the club.

"Okay. We'll see how I'm feeling. Later. Before bed." Sound more uncertain, why don't you. "Won't be too long. I'll try not to be anyway."

Nope, nothing behind the confusion that's more complicated than confusion and maybe a little surprised that anyone offering it to him.

That one's a desire that he's long since put away. The idea of maybe getting it for a little bit? That's a little overwhelming, but he sure as hell isn't going to turn it down.

"That works." He gets up when Clint moves to the door, but all he actually does is grab his sketchbook and settle down at the table with it. Actually ends up doing some stylized 'brand logo' stuff. Army. SHIELD. Hydra. Avengers. Lots of stars and stripes and irony.

It kills time.

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