brandingproblem | open post

There's something about that blade that is still making Steve ever-so-slightly uneasy. It's not fear, or wariness, or even really emotional discomfort from Clint using it. Probably not the last anyway. Feels like something entirely in himself.

Since he can't explain it, he's going to keep ignoring it.

"Like I should've done a better job accounting for range of motion needed to use a sword," he admits, around bites of food. "But not bad enough for me to be worried about it, either."

"Glad you didn't have to pop anything out of a socket then or I'd really be in trouble. Only got so many throwing knives." He rolls his shoulders deliberately. It hurts like a bitch.

But nothing he's not expecting.

He runs a cloth one last time over the blade and, satisfied, slots it back into the handle-sheath.

"And using it one-handed is possible, sure, but you get less control and precision, easier to get unbalanced." He glances down at Steve as he starts to clean up, snorting a little. "You want a chair?"

"Nah. Now that I'm down here, it's just as easy to stay." And kind of give Clint some space, in direct contradiction to what he wants to do. "How much does it weigh?"

Maybe once he sees this fight, he'll be better equipped if this whole scenario plays out again. ...and he kind of expects it to, somehow.

"Extremely light. The samurai knew what they were about. Easy to draw one-handed, and if you were a little more uncouth, you used the sword in one hand and the sheath in the other. But you're still meant to use it in two hands primarily. Obviously I don't have to worry about a sheath dangling off me about it." He spins the handle on one finger before putting it down again. "Custom made. Obviously. Designing it to be seamless was the hard part." He could get into the details. Maybe one day he will. But he figures it won't be all that interesting.

"Might see best at a distance, but you know as well as anyone I'm just as good up close and personal."

"I'm going to sit on a roof and see what you're doing and how you're moving. The goal there's not for me to know you're good, it's so the next time this happens I know exactly what isn't gonna compromise you."

Is it because he's eager to do it? A little. Kind of. In a specific way. It really is mostly just that he can't see this playing out again unless he lets Clint go back to completely unsupported and that's not going to happen.

"Light's good."

"You're not gonna be my partner in this. You wanna do what I do, fine, we divide and conquer. Go to Uruguay while I'm in South Africa. If I'm boots on the ground in Indonesia, you can be in France. Wherever it feels necessary."

Is it this? Is this going to be the verbal fight that feels like it's been brewing since Steve showed up?

"I can't afford to even attempt what you're doing." That was the big realization of his walk. Wherein he wasn't actually out of his head. "No-one else can afford me to, either. Doesn't mean I'm not going to turn up again and if I do, I'd rather be better prepared to hand you your ass in a way that won't get in your way than relying on guess work."

Edited 2024-11-14 21:29 (UTC)

"You did great. You did exactly what you set out to do. I'm not too hurt I can't keep going. It'll hurt like a bitch, and I'm gonna be cursing at myself the whole damn time, but I can do it." He rubs a hand against his eyes for a moment before deciding, fuck it, hot food time. Still gonna argue, though. "I'll make a point to be extra careful about my chest. Anyone able to get a good solid shot in is probably gonna see me on the floor for a half second. I'm gonna be fine, though. And you can watch me be fine."

"Good." Because he intended to watch, anyway. Fun fact about Steve: He'll argue if he needs to, but he can turn into a goddamn brick wall there, too and just refuse. "Are you actually expecting me to try to jump in and take over, or are you just trying to get me to go away?"

Not doing that today, apparently. Hell the past couple.

"I'm trying to figure out if you've concocted some kind of plan where you tail me everywhere I go or if this was just some one-off to make sure I didn't die in a ditch. Cuz I was really leaning toward the latter, but you're starting to make me think the former." He leans on the counter with a brief sigh. "I'm trying to figure out what you want, cuz every time you tell me, and I think I've got a full picture, I swear something changes."

"If it helps, I don't know what I want, either, and every time I think I do, something in either what I want or think I can actually have changes." Wry, aware, apologetic, but also while still eating, because there's food in front of him. "I'm not going to tail you everywhere you go. I'm not going to try to participate in what you're doing. I'm not going to cut you entirely loose, because you're my friend. That's all I've got."

Okay. Actually. That helps. It helps to make Clint feel a little less crazy, that he isn't actually wildly misinterpreting everything this time. That Steve's lost at sea about this, too.

"Don't know how what you think you can have can change. World's your oyster. You set lofty goals, but you're down to earth about it."

"I don't even know how to talk about this without sounding like a dick to myself. 'Cause you're right. I've got every advantage there is. And I didn't expect this trip to be this much about me trying to work my own shit out and taking you on a roller coaster ride you didn't ask for or need."

He isn't opposed to trying though, since - well, napping with Clint and just time have at least evened out some of those rough edges. Hell, even just admitting that he is all over the place might have.

"I guess all it really comes down to is that I can't do what you're doing, because the second I let myself get that pissed off at the world, I'm dangerous to everybody. I can't do what Tony's doing because I... don't have that in me, anymore. I guess I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing now. Make sure you and everybody else knows there's a place to go if you need and want it, move between you and Nat, take the connection where I can get it, and... wait."

That all makes sense. Steve's caught between. He's got righteous anger in spades, but the kind of deep hurt balled up into a low burning rage that Clint's got is a different beast altogether. If Tony's given up, well, no, that's not a thing Steve can do, either. Have to keep moving until he finds his niche in this new world.

He catches onto a word Steve uses, though, and turns it over in his head. "You don't have as big a family as you did. And with you being Captain America in a world that might be a little this side of cynical about that icon, you can't exactly just go out and make new friends. You're lonely. You're frustrated. You want to do more than you're doing and don't know how to start. And you miss the connections you had before."

All Steve really expects to get from that is Clint to understand well enough that he's not trying to jerk Clint around, and to know where Steve landed. Be reassured by that knowledge that Steve's not going to start jumping into his fights with him.

What he got was being understood better than he expected to be, and the word 'lonely' landing harder than a punch to the gut, knocking the air out of him and for just a second making him want to cry. Doesn't, but does close his eyes and let his head thunk back against the wall behind him, softly.

"Yeah." That is... the long and short of it. He does sound vaguely like he might cry around the first word, then gets the rough tension out of his voice by clearing his throat. "So. I'll probably turn up again. I won't be in your way."

"...Well now I feel like kind of an asshole." He's not sorry. He cut to the heart of it enough to dig at Steve's emotions. But it's...an experience to hear that tone in Steve's voice.

Clint eases himself down to the floor, too. Floor buddies again. "I think you know that if I decided right now to come back, that wouldn't be enough. You lost a little too much. Not so much that who's left isn't enough, cuz that sounds rude as hell, right? But also...it isn't enough. You're missing more. And it fucking sucks."

Steve gives Clint a very mild look for saying he feels like an asshole, but since it's not an apology, he doesn't feel the need to say Clint shouldn't. Clint definitely shouldn't, though. The man lost his wife and his kids. Which is not a thing that's ever far from Steve's mind.

The floor, though? Apparently that's where the serious conversations happen.

"It sounds way past rude." Not a thing he'd ever say, "but you're right. I don't even know what enough would look like, anymore." Nothing in reach or likely to get there. But: "Chasing you down once in a while and reassuring myself you're not dying in a ditch will do me more good than you sitting back there being miserable, too. But the door's open if you need it."

"You lost your best friend. Again. And one of the only real super people around. And you feel like it's your fault." Clint gives a shrug. "There's no good way to deal with it. You just have to do whatever feels right."

"You know, things are gonna get really awkward if I start crying, right?" It's not actually a chide. Just kind of tiredly wry. He appreciates Clint. He likes Clint more in that moment than he likes anybody left on the planet.

But also: "I'll be fine. I think I just needed to... stop trying to come up with a plan."

"I'm not gonna judge you if do cry. It'll definitely be awkward. Like if you need it, I can keep going, talk about how lonely you must be and how sad it is and how wild it is that you decided to pick your ass up and come find me of all people to deal with the lonely feeling and hoping to feel a little less alone."

He spreads his hands. "I can also shut the hell up."

He came really close to making a smart remark, but then Clint started talking and : "Why is it wild that I came to find you?" Not came to find anyone, not tried to do something about it - Clint can accept that and it's accurate.

But Steve truly doesn't get why him seeking Clint out is so surprising.

Edited 2024-11-14 23:57 (UTC)

He blinks. "Why wouldn't that be wild? I guess making sure I'm alive would make you feel a little bit better. A good distraction."

"Have I screwed up badly enough with you, that you think I only care if you're dead or not and as a distraction?"

How.

Clearly yes, and Clint is Clint. But God, he thought he'd been more clear than that.

Edited 2024-11-15 00:17 (UTC)

"...You didn't screw up. There's nothing screwed up." Except Clint. Clint is screwed up and he screwed up somewhere here. Just...stuff food in his face instead. Now that's a distraction.

"Nope."

Meaning that there is something screwed up - besides both of them, in their various ways and... Well, if Clint can lay things out, Steve certainly can. "I'm here because you're a good guy, no matter how little you believe that. I'm here because you - specifically you - matter to me. I'm here because you're worth some effort. I'm here because you put your ass on the line - repeatedly - to save mine. I'm here because you're good for me, and always have been. I'm here because you lost your kids, and there's only so much space I can give you before the message turns into me avoiding how fucked that is and avoiding you."

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