brandingproblem | open post

"Clint, you keep touching me and then reacting like I'm trying to crawl up your ass or you feel guilty because I enjoy it. Help me out here?" He knows Nat's affectionate. He really does. Right now she's not his priority. Figuring out if they're going to blow up and break down or stabilize kind of is.

"I don't feel guilty because you're affection." He furrows his brow. "You're the one who keeps trying to make some casual contact. You like that. You're about that right now and need it. Now I do it in return, and you think I'm acting weird about it?" He spreads his hands. They both need help here. What the fuck.

"This absolutely can't be what we argue about. That's too stupid."

"...Can we have the rest of this conversation laying down and not looking at each other? If it goes terribly we'll just argue about cilantro?"

Dear Steve: Show some trust in Clint. Please.

"Cilantro is good in small quantities; it's an herb that must be wielded with care and respect." And that's that about that. Steve. Come on. He's not moving. He is not moving to lay down.

"Is there a conversation we need to have, or is it a conversation that we can just not have and instead have a different conversation where you bring up what I lost, I try not to spiral, say something extremely sharp and pointy, and try to get you to break that wall or whatever?"

Just as an example???

"I thought the touching thing was to bring you back down, y'know, get you grounded, like you pinning me. I get you're lonely. I haven't been...I haven't--people'd, like that, since." Since. "Closest I get is handshakes and the people I sit to work on my arm for hours on end. You're being patient as a damn saint around me, the least I can do is try to give you what you need, too. And I'm apparently fucking that up. I don't know what we're doing. What the hell are we doing?"

The amount of work going into this is undoubtedly a reflection of both who they are as people and amount of trauma involved, but even Steve's reaching a point where he's just too fucking exhausted to do it.

Maybe that's not the worst thing.

"You know how it was important to be sure I was getting something out of wiping the floor out of you? Same thing. I needed some contact to get back down. I like contact. You don't have to keep doing it if it's not something that's making you uncomfortable. The rest of it's probably just me overthinking it and feeling like an asshole for maybe forcing it. I don't want much of anything else to do that to you."

"...Shit, Steve, I could see what the hell they got on basic cable down here and lay on you if you want. Watch bad soaps together." Which might feel too much like pretending things are normal, but they could. They could give it a go and see how that feels. Maybe.

He sets a hand lightly on Steve's arm. And then leans a little on him. Testing? Trying? "Probably should've stayed in the warehouse until you were back down. Both of us back down."

The lean's good. The touch is good. His reaction is at least more subtle this time. There's still relief and relaxation there, but it's not as... overt or intense. "TV and laying down sounds like a good way to kill time, anyway."

Staying in the warehouse... maybe? He doesn't know. Probably would have been better, actually and Clint's probably right. Location changes get complicated.

"Might even help my Spanish while we're waiting. I'm gonna settle first, this time. You handle the tv and put yourself where you want to be?"

The touch to his cheek comes roaring back to the forefront again rather than background noise. He considers it for a moment. And decides not to ask, just roll it up into all of this touchy feely stuff and...try to move past it. Attempt to not assign any further meaning to it.

"Okay." He rolls from the bed to his feet to grab the remote. The junky CRT tv at least sits on the little dresser drawer across from the foot of the bed. Reminds him of a hotel. Or of old SHIELD bolt holes and safe houses. Small, contained, not very trackable, everything needed in as unobtrusive a space as possible. "Used to do this with Natasha, sometimes, when we had to wait in a safe house and let something blow over. Sit around and watch telenovelas. Something to concentrate on if you need that distraction, or something to just be background noise instead."

Assign further meaning to it. It might simplify a lot of things here.

Or it wouldn't. It's complicated - and not. Nothing tangled up and confused here, at all.

Steve settles himself into the bed, positioned so he's against the wall and can see the TV. He's fully prepared to adapt to whatever Clint does when he comes to join him. "That explains a lot about the time I've been spending with her, lately. Not all that different than some of the stuff we got up to in camp or, hell, even in the actual trenches. Not tv but something that your mind can chew on besides itself."

"Hold hands, sing kumbaya, tell stories? Make up games with whatever you got on hand?" He keeps the volume low, turns it to--whatever, honestly, the content doesn't matter. Some soap or some drama.

Takes a moment to consider. He remembers movie nights on occasion, sprawl across a couple laps for fun, physically casual, or propped up on the floor talking and shooting the shit more than watching. There's a part of him that very strongly misses the sensation of fingers through his hair. And that's...something all tangled up. He's not gonna just ask for Steve to pet him. Jesus. But he's also the one that suggested this whole setup.

He sighs. "This is so damn awkward. Okay, lemmie ask you this. You've been doing...a lot of the touching and holding and shit lately. Do you want me to instead? Would that make you feel better?"

"I wouldn't call most of it holding hands," he murmurs, under his breath.

Then looks at Clint and... smiles, in a way that's tired and kind of worn but still fundamentally and undeniably Steve. "All I need is to know and then believe that you'll tell me if I'm crossing a line you don't want crossed. I like you touching me. I like touching you. Sprawl across me and we get the best of both?"

It's an offer. Not a demand. But it's one where he sounds a little hopeful. "It doesn't have to be awkward. Just don't think we quite trust each other."

"I trust you. You're Steve." That doesn't necessarily mean the same thing, but in some way, to Clint, it does. "Alright, I'm gonna scoot in. Open your god damn legs."

He has to say it like that because it's funnier that way. He doesn't go for any obvious joke, just sets himself to slotting in the gap and leaning his tender back against Steve's broad chest. It almost feels like pulling on a fur coat or cuddling into a heated blanket. Which is actually quite nice.

The sound that comes out of Steve at that remark is first choked surprise, but quickly turns into a startled, but all the way from his chest laugh. "You can't just say things like that! You'll ruin my reputation."

He does, however, sprawl his legs apart, even bends one at the knee to give room Clint to settle in, before he drops it again. Once Clint's in place he settles one hand in the middle of Clint's chest, just so he can feel Clint's heart against his palm.

Intimacy. That's the thing he's been missing and a word he's skirted around, because. Well. Clint trusts Steve. Steve trusts Clint more the second Clint leans back against him.

"Your reputation as a good ol' boy, pure as the driven snow?" Clint snorts lightly. "Please. It's me. Your reputation alone doesn't get you very far. You gonna tell me you've never let someone in that spandex before?"

He doesn't actually know, although the subject of Captain America's Virginity^{^TM} has definitely been a subject that's come up before in team chatter for shits and also giggles.

He tips his head back, tilted more along a shoulder, and remembers to breathe against the ever-present ache in his chest. The real one that Steve gave him earlier, anyway. Steve's not gonna hurt him by just feeling his heart, making sure Clint is present and accounted for. That he isn't going to run off.

"How's this?"

"I'd answer that, but there's probably a betting pool or two around somewhere, and I'd hate to be accused of helping you cheat." There's a slight smile that carries to his voice, translates to both warmth and humor.

Then tilts his head back against the wall, and closes his eyes. Absently recognizes Clint leaning his head back by lifting his hand off Clint's chest, dragging his nails very lightly down Clint's throat, and resettling it back over his heart. "I've had sex, just not a lot of it and less of it since the whole 'thawed' thing."

Doesn't miss a beat or open his eyes to say, "This is good."

There's a stillness that overcomes him when Steve's hand moves, fingers, nails to his throat. It's such a gentle thing, yet animal, something that makes just a small spike of adrenaline. A surprised kind, a kind that gives him a shiver once he's done and settles his hand back down.

Is he breathing? He remembers breathing is a thing. "Don't rip my throat out just yet. Still got a job to do first."

"Weren't you just claiming to trust me?" There's a gentle prod and tease in there, amusement even, but he missed none of the physical response. He's not surprised by it. He did like it.

"Yeah, and I'm trusting you not to rip my throat out," he retorts, with full knowledge that's not what Steve meant. "Yet." It would be insanely easy for the super soldier to get a hand around him and squeeze with so little effort.

Steve's care and control are astonishing when thought about for more than a second. Clint's got fine control down to an art, and Steve blows him right out of the water about it. Letting go on the battlefield is one thing, seems effortless, but in treating a lot of the rest of his life like everything is fragile, because in comparison, it is, it's...wow. Steve did a number on him, and it was all calculated very carefully to not do too much damage, enough superficial stuff to hurt deep but nowhere that would overly hinder him. Cracked ribs because Clint can take it, but nothing that would need immediate medical attention. And succeeding in doing exactly as planned while Clint only had to hold back with a weapon in hand? Wow.

"You know exactly what you're doing. Even when you think you don't know what you're doing." He gives Steve a friendly pat on the thigh, like a non-verbal 'good job'.

"Mm." He sounds unimpressed and unconvinced, but in a blatantly false way that says he's not really offended about it, or bothered by it. There's a point it's just sense, and he does recognize that Clint's not physically afraid of him.

He drops his ankle over one of Clint's when Clint pats his thigh, and then sort of gently thumps his chest with one thumb. "Throat just feels more vulnerable. It's not actually by much."

That's creepy Steve. Except he's completely relaxed, breathing easily (easier than he was), enjoying the weight against him and the level of trust on display.

Still kind of wishes he had a fight he could throw himself at, but Steve and release that way aren't a thing, and it's twisted around into just enjoying the self-control and people trusting him.

That's deliberate. That's calmly and casually testing boundaries. A little more trapping Clint to see if that's okay. To see if he freezes up, if he lashes out, if he runs, if he asks to back off like a normal person would do. He doesn't say anything about it. Doesn't run, either, or lash out. So.

"Speak for yourself. Throat's a good target for a bullet or an arrow. Blade of any kind. Lotta people don't protect it the way they do other parts. It's just a smaller target than a lot of people aim for."

If it's creepy, it doesn't register to Clint. Who does, in all fairness, some creepy shit himself. He isn't in the slightest bit listening to the show. It barely even registers.

"If you didn't already throw me around, and I wasn't still feeling some kind of good about it," because he does, even if the tension still gets thick, it still feels like a warm if awful glow under his skin, "I'd have you pin me down again. Maybe not by the throat." Or maybe by the throat. Hm.

That is exactly what Steve is doing -- because he has decided that he and Clint trying to talk things out mostly just leads to them going in circles.

Circles at best, a downward spiral that heads straight down the drain at worst.

"It's a smaller target that I'm gonna aim for, that's for sure." He doesn't have that kind of precision. Also: if he's going to take a hit he'd rather it be a kill shot or somewhere that doesn't have him swallowing his own blood while he tries to heal - or actually does.

Clint staying relaxed against him means Steve stays put, too. Clint staying in the conversational part, in fact upping the ante on it? Tells him as much (or more) than a discussion about desires and boundaries would have, anyway.

"I dunno. Pinned down by the throat and exhausting yourself all over again seems like one way to get solid sleep. Would hurt like crazy. Wouldn't actually cause new injury." That's an offer.

Clint swallows and lets that offer sit in his mind. They've already passed the trust exercise as far as violence goes. It's this, the tenderness, that is really tripping them up. Or just him, maybe. He would absolutely trust Steve to do that. Does he need it?

Deep breath in, enough to press the ribs out, and deep breath back out. Another pat. Just seems casual and figuratively safe that way. "Let's settle in like this for a bit first, okay? Put a pin in it."

"It doesn't come with an expiration date," he says, easily. More easily and more legitimately comfortable than he's been.

He is starting to think one of them here is a lot more comfortable with this kind of thing than the other, and maybe just this once the one who's more okay with it (and in their skin) is him.

Also starting to think Clint being offered this instead of going out and chasing it down in really dangerous ways is new.

It might be just that it's Steve, in both cases, and god knows he's been wrong more than once. In the past 24 hours, even. "This is nice." Proof of life, weight and warmth? Not a consolation prize. It is legitimately good.

"Pin in it it is then." For later. Some other time. Pinned down with nowhere to go, in danger but never actually in danger, able to struggle and exhaust himself and be safe the entire time.

This, too, is safe. And he has to remember that. That's less to do with Steve and more to do with the situation, this softness, this intimacy. He used to do this. With people he loves. Hold and be held. Casual, good, close, physical contact that relaxes, or excites in all the right ways.

It's been an age. It's been a lifetime. It's been--a whole other person who experienced that. He's not even entirely sure where to put his hands anymore, so he lays one along Steve's leg and the other on top of the hand on his chest. "Yeah. It's nice."

Steve keeps his eyes closed, his head tipped back and one hand on Clint's chest. The other one finally settling on Clint's thigh. Breathing and pulse so even and slow, even deep, they actually suggest sleep.

He's not asleep. He even listens to whatever is on the television. He can follow most of it.

"Of all the shit the serum changed with me, the only one I resent is not needing normal amounts of sleep. Used to be not being able to get drunk. That one I got over. This one was old about two weeks in."

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