brandingproblem | open post

There is some sort of progress being made here, maybe, in as much as Steve doesn't get frustrated or upset or dig in too hard at the word 'babysitting'.

"I don't intend to stay here all that long. I was being serious when I was talking about bouncing back and forth. She's worried about you, too, but there's only so long I want her left that close to alone."

"She's a big girl who can handle herself. She doesn't need babysat, either." He glances up from his mapping. "I'm not the only one who didn't stick around when the dust started settling, huh?"

He smiles faintly and shakes his head just a little. "I'm not babysitting anyone; she's my friend."

He keeps watching Clint with his map, but doing it casually and not constantly. That thing is detailed, useful, and impressively good work. Given Ronin's efficiency, that's not a surprise.

Twitches an eyebrow at 'dust settling', though. "You're not the only one by a long shot. One way or another people are finding ways to keep moving."

It's fine if Steve watches. It's fine because now he's here and doesn't seem to outwardly disapprove of what Clint gets up to these days. He still has the thought that by the time he puts this plan into action, the cops will already be swarming the place, or someone else will have taken care of business in a less brutal way, but if that happens, it happens.

"And even when you're moving, it feels like standing still," he muses. He can hardly blame anyone for being stuck in the moment. Frozen in time. Steve of all people would know what that's like.

Steve doesn't love what feels like excessive brutality. He doesn't have resources to make a less brutal plan and his desire to burn whatever fragile bridge still exists with Clint by deliberately getting in his way.

He sure as hell isn't getting the police involved. In anything. Ever. That bridge is long gone for Steve.

"Movement without purpose isn't really movement." Which means, yeah. He's not using the word stuck, but that's because he... actively doesn't want to go that far with admissions. Somehow it's the place things get too revealing for him. He nods at the notebook. "You have a timeline on that?" Are you waiting on him to leave or just carrying on? He doesn't, currently, care which. It's information seeking and not with a plan of stopping Clint.

Clint peers at Steve without lifting his head. Calculating. In case he decides Steve is going to actively do something with that information. Maybe he shouldn't throw suspicion at an ally. A friend. Who has not once raised a figurative or literal hand to stop him, just as he'd said.

He closes the book. "Yeah." In another life, it'd be pettiness to make Steve ask specifically. This is more calculated, seeing how interested he is in the specifics. Information gathering, he's gotten that much.

With a few seconds more of a stare, he tosses the notebook aside. Okay. Fine. Maybe give Steve a little slack. "Shipment coming in day after tomorrow. Lotta boots on the ground, moving parts. Means there's some downtime." With a little raise of his brows. "If you did want to hit the beach."

In another life, Steve wouldn't have waited this long to ask a lot more than one question, and he would have trusted Clint to... trust him enough to answer it. In this life (and world), he's just glad he got an answer at all.

He hopes he doesn't have to get directly involved If he does, it's going to be because there's someone truly uninvolved in the way or Clint's in trouble. It'll destroy whatever limited amount of trust Clint's willing to give him now. Not that he wouldn't like to participate on some level, and doesn't disapprove on a completely different, but....

They are the people they are, now, and this is the life and world they're stuck with.

He glances out a window at mention of the beach, without outwardly acknowledging the timing. "I wasn't entirely bullshitting about that one. I'll probably wait for it to be late enough for some more people to clear out, or get up early. I don't think there's much chance of anyone recognizing me here," with even minimal attempt to blend in and a hat, "but I don't wanna push it too hard."

"Ronin works alone." Easier in a lot of ways to keep the monster he's grown into a separate being. Steve didn't bring it up, but there's a timetable to know, and now he knows it. "You want to get added to the mix, that's a big ask." Steve hasn't asked for it, has even suggested he'll sit here the whole time if that's the stipulation. But obviously Steve wants to be doing. Wants to move. "Sides, you don't even have a new look to cover up. But if you really do want to just hang out just to make sure I come out of this alive...dunno, not much space here for two. Don't have a pull-out. Could get a motel, or I could be nice and let you have the bed."

"The only involved I've got any intention of getting is asking where your medical kit is, if you come back bleeding." That's honest enough, anyway. "You don't need an extra element you didn't account for in your plan. It's just going to make it more dangerous for everybody."

That said he will likely position his ass somewhere close enough to monitor from out of the way. Intended involvement is not the same as 'willing to become involved'.

And - "I'll sleep on the couch. I just barely got used to sleeping in a bed before everything went to hell, anyway. Kept winding up on the floor because I felt like my mattress was trying to swallow me."

"Bathroom. Won't be needing it, but always just in case." That's a little haughty of him, he knows. And it has been historically untrue. He's hoping not to make a liar out of himself this time around, at least.

He softly snorts. "I don't think you can even fit on the couch. Take the damn bed; it isn't like it's much better than sleeping on the floor." That could be some of his good old midwestern sensibilities poking through.

"I'm gonna go ahead and assume that's commentary on your couch. Otherwise, I might have to get offended," He is not, in any way, offended. He might even be, in that moment, pretty close to laughing. "I'm not that big, and I bend."

He hopes Clint doesn't need that kit. Steve doesn't buy that, though. Not with the shift in method, brutality level, and chosen weapon. He will be checking that kit to get familiar with it.

"I won't fight you too hard on the point." Not worth it. Especially when Clint's trying to convince him to take the bed like a polite host, rather than make Steve go home.

"You do bend." He's seen Steve more times than can be counted in action. He's big but athletic. Thor's bigger and even bulkier, doesn't bend as well because he doesn't need to, but Steve's like a dancer, graceful and controlled. "You really wanna fold yourself in half to fit on the couch, that's your call."

It's definitely not a point to put too much effort into fighting. But as Clint unfolds himself from the bed, cleaning up, he has to wonder what topic will be one to fight tooth and nail about. Besides staying, he supposes. "Gonna save up some fight for when it's needed?"

Steve quirks a faint, wryly self-aware smile. He stays down on the floor rather than getting up to help, though he bends up the leg he'd had stretched out so it's not in Clint's way. He'd rather get up, sure, but the space isn't big enough for it and it's just going to emphasis him being inside a space that is, even temporarily, Clint's.

"I can think of half a dozen ways you can shake me if you decide that's a fight worth having." Clint, even as Hawkeye had a kind of brutal efficiency and hell of a brain. Now? Steve only knows results, but he doesn't doubt there's more of all of that. Especially the brutality. "You can probably think of twice that. I'm not gonna dig my heels in on much except being here. And probably on cleaning you up if you come back bloody enough to be a problem."

So, yeah. Saving it for when it's needed. Albeit digging his heels in, even on the small stuff.

"Could spar, but then that'd ruin the surprise of all the new ways I fight." There's a hint of a smirk, the intention not-so-serious even if his voice makes it sound it is. He could see sparring. Especially if it ends with getting the shit kicked out of him. There's so much appeal in several ways to that previously-floated idea.

But not before a mission. Not when he has to be at his peak. And not directly after, when he has to lay the hell low and get out of town. But sometime between...hm. Yeah. Could see it. Especially when things get real bad. When his brain spins awful circles like tires in mud, leaves his skin cold and clammy and his chest feel like collapsing in on itself.

Though it isn't like there isn't the hint of paranoia, of Steve getting used to Clint's whole new methods of fighting that blends in the old as well, and somehow using that against him. What that would mean or even look like, he isn't sure, but the thought is there, background noise.

The verbal fight would be the one that would end up with them both wounded and cut deep enough to be hard to heal. He isn't opposed to going there, but it has to be a damn good reason for going there. He could do it easily just to make Steve leave. But that doesn't feel, currently, good enough. Some evening when they're feeling particularly vicious and vindictive?

It isn't that having a friend around isn't nice in its own way. Having someone to talk to besides himself does ease something, just a hair, inside his ribcage. But at the same time, it's a variable he didn't account for, something he was actively avoiding, something that butts up against whatever little holes in the ground he calls a temporary living space, and he recognizes that Steve is trying very hard to give him physical space.

"You afraid of me?" He doesn't think that's the case. Afraid Clint might rabbit and disappear again, maybe.

"We'll find a time that works." He knows this isn't it. Clint's pretty close to moving, and Clint circling back to the idea and topic tells Steve some things.

What Clint is after isn't about training, and that if Clint isn't going to get what he does want (need) if Steve is pulling his punches so far that he's not leaving marks and Clint's mental state isn't brought down a notch from a fighting edge he needs for what he's about to do.

If they can find a time that does work? He'll do it and he'll do it without a discussion Clint has been clear on not wanting, being comfortable with, or needing.

Meanwhile, there's a more immediate question that makes him frown, just enough for the space between his eyebrows to crease, just a second. "I'm not afraid of you," he says, definitively. "Pretty sure if I screwed up enough to make you feel cornered you'd do some damage on your way to disappearing again," and Steve... would probably let him, the same way he'd just about let Bucky kill him - at some point fighting back causes more damage to things that heal a lot slower than he does, "but the only part that worries me is the 'disappearing again' and I'm not going to be backing you into corners."

"You're a good man, Steve. Better than a lot of people deserve. Hell, better than the world deserves. Or feels like it, some days." His jaw works a little, wanting to say something, deciding against it, rethinking it in his head.

It takes a little time for him to settle again, and he mirrors Steve's pose, his posture. Seated on the floor across from him, head tipped back. "I'm not sorry for leaving," is what he settles on. "And I'm not sorry for staying away. I am sorry for making you guys worry. I don't wanna hurt the people who don't need hurt."

Clint calling him Steve, instead of Cap or Rogers, is just about the only way Steve can handle being called a good man just then. Because it's being directed to him, it's about character and something matters to him, and it's coming from a friend. It doesn't feel like it's some big statement about a role that hasn't been all of him since somewhere back in the war, and these days isn't a comfortable fit.

Steve being a good guy? He'll take that.

"We miss you." He pauses and considers, and restates. "I miss you." He's just Steve here. He doesn't want to speak for the others left, though he knows they miss Clint, too, or sound like he's applying some kind of pressure. "But you doing what you need to do right now matters a hell of a lot more to me." This is a need. Not even a question in his mind, now that he's gotten close enough to have some time with Clint. He stretches one leg out enough to tip it sideways and bump his (sneaker covered) toe against Clint's ankle. "I'll be perfectly happy playing ground support, medic, or just be that sparring partner here and there, when you'll let me."

He focuses his eyes on the ceiling, on a pinpoint, like he could bore a hole into it, and imagines the feeling of pulling a bow back. The focus. The relaxation. It's almost like meditation. This isn't so much relaxing, but it's easier to measure his breaths. in one two three out one two three

"I appreciate it." And he does. Because it's one of the things he'd quietly feared on getting found, not only dragged back to feel stifled and cramped and contained around people who don't know what to say to him in the wake of so much loss he doesn't know what to do with himself most of the time--hence the Ronin, the mission--but also judgement. Not from Natasha, she would never, not with her own track record, and Clint had long ago settled with his soul the idea of a red ledger for the sake of everyone else. The lot of spies and assassins. But anyone else. Everyone else. Who might not understand him doing what he feels he has to do.

So it's all a pleasant surprise. And Steve can lie, sure. Like any other human being. But he doesn't make a habit of it with his friends. So it's reconciling an expectation that came as easy as blinking an eye with this reality in front of him.

"Was this an escape for you?"

Out of curiosity. If Steve thought he'd had enough time and the worry took over. Or if wherever he's been trying to call home felt too empty and too meandering. If he also needed to give himself a mission to focus on and dedicate his time to where it was going to waste elsewhere.

Out on the street, the question (different approach, different words, but same heart) had felt like an accusation, a test, or a trap.

Like how from the compound Ronin had felt like a death spiral, but from close enough to count Clint's measured breathing it feels a lot more like a desperate attempt not to get pulled under. Close enough to touch, it feels like necessity. They all lost a lot. Clint lost his wife and his kids.

Steve's answer is a little slow coming. He turns his head just enough that he's looking out the window rather than directly at Clint, though he's not really seeing the view (such as it is) either.

"This is me trying to generate enough movement not to sink." Then back at Clint. "And probably an escape, as long as 'everything back there' counts as what I'm trying to escape from, for a little while."

Edited 2024-11-04 23:13 (UTC)

No reason it can't be both a death spiral and a way to keep his head above water. Duality of man or some trite shit like that. He's not aiming to die, but his targets, while organized, are not always the best of the best. There's not a lot of chance. He's good. He is, perhaps, too good at the job. But he knows that it only takes one slip. He's only human, and there are people out there who are also very good at their jobs.

He picks carefully. He doesn't aim to die. He's not sure he's gonna feel all that much if it gets to that point, though.

He shakes his head a little, more a rocking back and forth against the edge of the bed. "If this ends up being enough momentum, we can figure something out next time you catch up. Can do more good with two at the task."

It doesn't need explaining, he figures, since Steve never asked for one. The good captain's done more than enough vigilantism in the past many years to know better. But it bubbles up. Maybe having someone to talk to has loosened his tongue a bit.

"Half the world gone, and there's still all these assholes out to make a quick buck by fucking over good people just trying to live their lives. There's still drugs, still guns, there's still people taken off the street and shoved in shipping containers, and for fucking what? It's not like anyone has to fight for," he sneers, "resources. We're all trying to figure out how to live anymore. Why do these sons of bitches get to still be here, huh? In what universe is that just and fair?"

It says something about the state of... everyone, and everything, that Steve's pretty willing to take a death spiral as long as that's not the only one it is. Clint trying to keep his head above water at all is more than he necessarily expected when he showed up here.

At least Clint isn't worried about keeping Steve's hands 'clean' anymore.

He looks back to Clint and gives him one, single, nod in response to joining him. They'll have details to work out, but he's in. At least Clint's stopped worrying about Steve This time... he'll sit it out, but he's increasingly sure he's going to sit it out from an obscure vantage point so he can move fast if he needs to. He's got that map Clint drew solidly in his head, anyway.

"It isn't okay. It sure as hell isn't fair or just." He doesn't sound anywhere near as angry as Clint, and in truth he isn't. Not that he stopped caring, not that he's not mad. It's just that mad is a little flattened out under 'sad', for the moment. "All the shit, and good people gone and there are still assholes seeing 'opportunity' at the expense of the decent people who are still here." It's kind of lame as things to stop on go, but... He's sad and angry and worried and tired in a way he cannot put into words.

"It shouldn't still be happening. It should never have happened at all."

Edited 2024-11-05 04:45 (UTC)

There isn't anyone left who would think all of this is just and fair. There's no one who doesn't carry grief and anger about it. Everyone lost someone. And the worst part is that talking about it doesn't do anything but vent some of those feelings. Nothing can change about it, nothing can get fixed.

It makes him feel like he's trapped in a tiny cage, beating at the bars. He licks his lips, looks at Steve, looks away again. The company is unusual, unexpected, and nice in its own way, yeah. But having someone close when he hasn't had that in a good while makes him nervous. No, not nervous... Antsy? Anxious?

"Nothing feels real anymore, does it?"

"I can't-"

He starts and then stops. He knows he has to be able to talk to Clint, here. Clint deserves more than the push button Captain America bullshit everyone but Nat's been getting. Even she's got some force of habit... inspirational shit. Move forward, grow, rebuild the world and make it something. She just manages to cut him off and somehow forces him to engage more honestly, if only in a pretty subdued way.

Clint deserves more than fake positivity, or some attempt to play therapist and not actually engaging with him. He deserves more honesty than that. He deserves more of Steve than that. Hell, Steve needs more than that.

Steve just has to find a way to start.

"I put the plane down and was found in winter...." He starts sounding almost tentative - for him, not for anyone else. "but it wasn't a controlled environment like a cyro chamber. Temperatures fluctuate, you know? Never really warm enough long enough to thaw, but I'd have these periods of... not waking up but sort of becoming aware and merging reality and memories into some really messed up shit. Couldn't move. Couldn't see. Couldn't breathe. My brain would spin out, trying to make sense of it I guess. Came out of it and felt like I'd been dropped on an alien planet, nothing made sense and nothing felt real, but I was pissed about it." He pauses there, for a second. "This feels more like the ice than out of it. I have gotta find a way to wake up and get mad about it."

Edited 2024-11-05 16:21 (UTC)

With this, with what happened to spin the world slightly off axis and make everyone reevaluate their place in the universe, it's easy to think that the others might look at Clint and fail to grasp the enormity of the loss in comparison. But in the grand scheme of things, what can't be grasped is all of what Steve's lost. Not only family and friends, but all familiarity with the world around him. The city he grew up in alien and unrecognizable. Technology leaping so far ahead as to be like magic.

Clint grew up with stories about Captain America; everyone knew who the legendary hero to the point of myth was. And when their on a mission, it's easy to see how he became so legendary. Leadership that comes naturally, charisma coming out his ass, a sense of surety and stability. But he knows Steve above all of that now. And it's one thing to look at what happened from a distance, but to think about it happening to a real flesh and blood person who's sitting in the room with him, feet casually knocked against each other, to a friend, it's a whole other ballpark.

It isn't a competition. It's acknowledgement of loss, of being unmoored. Agreeing that reality has a fake quality that's all too familiar to Steve. Because he's been there. Trapped in ice, alive and not, awake and not.

He appreciates this about Steve. Telling it like it is. Not glossing it over with some platitudes, not skittering away from the topic. It feels like a breath of air, however brief before his head sinks below the storm waves again.

"You can get mad about this with me." With a little shallow nod. "Gonna have to come up with a new outfit. Gotta cover up that handsome mug of yours if you end up doing as the Ronin does. I can't promise the world'll feel any more real, but it beats a vast icy nothingness."

No, no competition - just an attempt to get past his own shit enough to build and keep a connection. He can't quite get to a point of prioritizing him handling his crap, but if Clint's going to offer him a way of maybe doing some of that, even if it's unconventional, Steve will take it.

And be relieved and grateful for it. Clint doesn't owe him that much cooperation -- and if helping Steve lets him do so much as be able to be around his guy and keep Clint from being totally in the wind? No hesitation.

"We're gonna have to find a way to cover my face, and some kinda strategy that keeps me out of your way." Or at least for Steve to get an understanding of how Ronin moves and works so he can predict Clint well enough to do that. " I'll probably defer to you on the mask thing, if you've got thoughts. The... strategy and movement'll be easier with a specific target and plan. Might go lurk on a roof and watch this one. Should give me a solid start."

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